From the April 15, 2008 issue of NightMoves:
| Making Love To... How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher, a nurse or an airline stewardess? A teacher says we got to do this over and over again until we get it right. A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit. And a airline stewardess says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally. Speeding: A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding. Officer: May I see your license? Lady: what does it look like? Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it. The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer. The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.' Home from the war: A guy who was in the Marines had just spent a year tour in Iraq. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!" And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether. "Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!" And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!" And his dick deflated again. "Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!" The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "Dick, ten-HUT!" And the dick sprang to life. Then it was "Dick, at EASE!" But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!" But still nothing happened. So the guy now says, "For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!" Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarrassed and ran to the bathroom. His wife made excuses and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating. "What in the world are you doing?" she asked. The guy says, "I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!" First Thing to do after Jail: Bad Bubba was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car. The only thing he said was, "F.F." His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F." Out on the highway, he said, "F.F." She responded simply, "E.F." He repeated, "F.F." She again replied, "E.F." "Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?" Bad Bubba turned around in the seat and answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!" Making Love to a Woman is like: LAYING A CARPET: You check the dimensions, lay her out, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay. PUTTING UP A TENT: You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip it into the old bag all the way. BEING IN THERAPY: You get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money. BEING IN A CRASH: First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible. FISHING: Every fisherman has his favorite holes, but you will still need to be patient, yet ready for action. Extend your rod to its’ full length and get started. The deeper you go the better. Don’t let the fishy smell stop you. Ways to Know You've Had Good Sex 1. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area. 2. The cat's exhausted from just watching you. 3. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs. 4. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag. Bus Driver's Parents: A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull." The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant." The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was queer and your mom was a hooker?!" The kid smiles and says, "I reckon I would be a bus driver!" |
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