From the March 15, 2008 issue of NightMoves:
| An understandable reaction: Three guys went on a hunting trip. The tour guide told them that the very old, feeble gent by the fire in the lodge tells great stories. They went to the man and he began to tell them a story. He said, "Ten years ago I was in Africa hunting, and I fell asleep and when I woke up there was an enormous lion in front of my face! All I could say is Ahhhh! Ooh! I actually shit my pants!" One of the men exclaimed, "I would have done the same thing!" The old man replied, "No, I mean I shit my pants just now!" Heard at Katies Bar: Wayne and Sam are having a conversation during their lunch break. Wayne asks, "So Sam, how's your sex life these days?" Sam replies, "Oh, you know. It's the three S's, Social Security Sex." "Social Security Sex?" Wayne asked. "Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to get by on." These things take time... The folks in a little redneck town urge the Constable to arrest the local homosexual. Seems he's been propositioning all the teenage boys in town. So the Constable arrests the fag and says to him, "ok, you've got 15 minutes to blow this town!" The fag says, "As if! I'll need at least two hours." Second helping dept: The traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could get some “action”. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted. "I want to get screwed," said the man. "OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice. The man did this, the panel was closed, minutes passed. Nothing happened. He finally began to pound, and the panel slid open. "Hey," he said, "I want to get screwed!" "What?" said the voice, "Again?" Legal advice: You need a new lawyer if: Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers. Or if the prosecutors are all "hi-fiving' each other when they see who is representing you. Mother Goose dept: Sherry, a flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Choker for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' And they will grow on their own." She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. She really loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus, began rubbing her nipples and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Choker by any chance?" Sherry said, "Why yes, I do. How did you know?" The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..." Against the law: Police officer: "We arrested this man beating the shit out of some poor slob for no reason! What should we charge him with?" Desk Sergeant: "Impersonating an Officer." This should be obvious... Q: What do blonde virgins eat? A: Baby food. Things Never To Say During Sex: > you've got to be kidding me. > do I have to pay for this? > (phone rings) hello - oh not much, how about you? > hurry up, the game's about to start. > what's your name again? > stop moaning, you sound so stupid. > what, oh yea, I love you too, now let me concentrate!! > is it o.k. if I call someone? its o.k. though, keep going.… > How come we each have a penis? > just use your finger, its bigger. > get off me, I'll do it myself!!!! > oops, I think I just shit on your bed. Things men will never say: ~ I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother fucker. ~ Her tits are just too big. ~ Sometimes I just want to be held. ~ Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch HGTV. |
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