Nightmoves Jokes - Feb 2008

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Nightmoves Jokes - Feb 2008
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Larry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Mike DeBakey who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Larry, somewhat of a loudmouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Doctor Mike... Is that you? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Larry was working on a car. "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks when you and me are doing basically the same work?"
DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away and said softly to Larry, "Try doing your work with the engine running."

A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.
"No, thanks," says the manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once and I didn't like it." The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for martinis.
"No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it."
Then the salesman glances out the office window and sees a golf course. "I suppose you play golf," says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club."
"No, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it." Just then a young man enters the office. "Let me introduce my son, Bill," says the plant manager.
"Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "He's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a motherfucking checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, you dizzy bitch. I said I want to open a fucking checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry, sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about the situation.
They both return and the manager steps aside and asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here, sir?"
"There's no problem, goddammit!" the man says, "I just won 30 million bucks in the fucking lottery and I want to open a checking account in this shithole of a bank!"
"I see," says the manager. "Is this motherfucking bitch giving you a hard time?"

Peyton Manning, Tony Romo and Tom Brady go to heaven to visit God and watch the Celtics play a game. God decides who will sit next to him by asking the boys a question.
God asks Peyton Manning first, "What do you believe?" Peyton thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans." God can't help but see the essential goodness of Manning, and offers him a seat to his left.
Then God turns to Tony Romo and says, "What do you believe?" Tony says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage, and honor are the fundamentals of life. I too have been lucky, but win or lose I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the field." God is greatly moved by Tony's sincere eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.
Finally, God turns to Tom Brady and says, "And you, Tom, what do you believe?" Tom replies, "I believe you're sitting in my chair."

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says.
"I'm going to Las Vegas. I can get $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks.
"I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $200 a year!"

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:
"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it, but, unfortunately, the piece of marble the woman had purchased was too small for all of the words to fit.
After thinking about it, they decided they would have to abbreviate her requested inscription. So they simply wrote: "Returned unopened."