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A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Hobby Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Houston. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in Houston".
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Houston?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap ....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.
She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry dear. He's gotta take a shit first."
President Bush and Dick Cheney are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Hey, isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?"
Cheney says, "We're planning WW III."
The guy says, "Really. What's going to happen?"
Cheney says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaims, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Cheney turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you. Nobody gives a fuck about the 140 million Muslims."
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John & I have been having some sexual problems." Linda told her friend.
"That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I."
"We're thinking of going to a sex therapist." said Linda
"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed and they met for lunch again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?"
"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"
With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.
"But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"
"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a bag of apples and a box of Cheerios……."
A woman went to a Wal Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it "on special".
Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "Pinch my nipples! Pinch my nipples!" The clerk ran away to get the store manager in front a growing crowd of customers. The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "Pinch my nipples! Pinch my nipples!" and in doing so draws and even bigger crowd! In shock, the store manager pleads "Ma'am, why are you saying that?
In a huff, the woman says, "because I like to have my nipples pinched when I'm being SCREWED!!!"
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded.
While at the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.
"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.
"Nope." replied Jimmy.
"Well, did you get it for Christmas then??
Again Jimmy says "Nope."
"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny.
"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."
Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.
That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in midstroke, turned and said angrily "What do you want now?"
"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.
Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep your mouth shut."
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