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During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the preacher with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."
He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the preacher looks the young man straight in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to bow down before her, obey her every command, and serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the preacher and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The preacher put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, "Sorry, she made me a much better offer!"
Q: How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
A: At the circus the clowns don't talk.
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, trying to make a decision. Finally, after long deliberation, he knew which woman he would marry: The one with the biggest boobs.
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Jack's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, first of all, I need you to tell me exactly where is Jack's bar?"
Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her. "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table." So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?" "Much better!" she replies with a smile. "Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."
She's so fat, when she turns around they throw her a welcome back party.
She's so fat when she went to KFC she asked for a bucket of chicken and the man asked, 'what size do you want' she said, 'the one on the roof.'
She's like a train, everybody can get on and ride, but they got to pay for it.
She's so fat that when she went bungie jumping in a yellow dress, everyone was screaming 'the suns falling!'
She's so fat, she had to be baptized at Sea world.
She's so old when I slapped her on the back her titty came off.
She's so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone.
Her glasses are so thick when she looks at a map she can see people waving.
She's so dumb she bought a topless bathing suit for her half-sister.
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