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A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said, "what's for dinner?"
Man walks into the Doctors office.
"I have the results of your test and I'm afraid your going to die" Says the Doctor.
The Man asks "How long do I have to live?"
"Ten" replies the Doctor.
"What the hell does that mean?" the Man asks. "Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks, What?"
The Doctor Replies "Nine..."
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:
"Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he's in a good mood. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him, as that will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of sporting events on TV. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every want.
"If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home the husband asked his wife , "What did the doctor say?"
"You're gonna die," she replied.
Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a plane full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
One cannibal said to the other, "You know, I really can't stand my wife."
"To hell with her, then," said the other. "Just eat the noodles."
You're a redneck if .... Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
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