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Jokes from NightMoves - October 2007
One for the road...
A musician was placed on death row. On his last day, he didn't want anything special for his last meal; he didn't even want to talk to his family. As he was strapped into "the chair," the guards asked him if he had any last requests.
He said, "Well, music has always been an important part of my life. Could I sing my favorite song all the way through one last time?"
The guards replied, "Yes, you may."
"... One billion bottles of beer on the wall, one billion bottles of beer..."
Bar translations:
1. "You get this round and the next round is on me." = I'll be leaving before the next round.
2. "I'll get this round and the next one is on you." = Happy hour is about to end.
3. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?" (female) = I'm easy.
4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?" (male) = I'm gay.
5. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) = I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
6. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) = If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home!
7. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) = You are not paying enough attention to me.
8. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) = I'm horny.
Pissed off wife:
A woman walks into a pharmacy, strolls over to the counter, and catches the pharmacist's attention. "Can I please get some arsenic?" she asks.
"Arsenic? What do you want arsenic for?" asks the pharmacist.
"It's for my husband," she replies.
"Your husband?" exclaims the pharmacist, "I hope you don't mean what I think you mean!"
She just nods.
"Well, lady," he replies, "I'm an honest man. I can't sell you arsenic, I wouldn't if I could, and I don't know what made you think you could just stroll into a respectable store and expect me to sell you a deadly poison like that!"
She doesn't say a word. She just reaches into her purse, fishes out a photograph, and hands it to the pharmacist. It is a picture of her husband, in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist slowly looks up over the counter, and then straight at her.
"I'm sorry lady," he says, "why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"
Three wishes:
One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out. So he rubbed the lamp and out popped a genie.
The genie asked, as genies usually do, "What is your first wish?" The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, "I would like to be rich!" So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates.
Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, "My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!" And poof, he was there.
Then the government worker decided on his third wish, "I don't want to do any work ever again!" and poof -- ubiquitous ironic twist -- he was back in his office.
The old bastard...
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her," and then hangs up.
The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news. They agree that something must be done.
She calls her father and yells, "You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a single thing, do you hear me?"
The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife and says, "It worked! The kids are coming for a visit and they're paying their own way!"
I can't get any sleep.
An exhausted looking blonde dragged herself into the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.
"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your troubles will be over."
"Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be," said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those stupid dogs all down the street and even when I do finally catch one, it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"
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