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Published in the Seabreeze News Aug 2007
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $100 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $100. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture of handcuffs.
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says, "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.
The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license back."
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"
20 things seldom said by a Texan:
>I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
>Duct tape won't fix that.
>Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
>We don't keep firearms in this house.
>Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
>You can't feed that to the dog.
>Wrasslin's fake.
>Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
>Honey, we don't need another dog.
>Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
>Too many deer heads detract from the décor.
>I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
>Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
>The tires on that truck are too big.
>I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
>I've got it all on the C drive.
>Checkmate.
>She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
>Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
>I believe you cooked those beans too long.
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