One day at the beach:
Three fellows walking along the beach noticed a mermaid sitting on a rock swishing her tail in the foam. The first man waded out to her and said, Hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed?"
She replied, "no sir!"
So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked, "Did you like that?"
"Oh, indeed I did, sir!" she replied
The second man went out to her and asked, "Mermaid, have you ever had your breasts fondled?"
"No sir," she replied. So he set to and fondled and caressed and then asked, "How did you like that?"
She replied," It was most pleasurable, sir."
The third fellow approached and asked," Mermaid, have you ever been fucked?"
"No sir," she replied.
He said, "Well you have been now--the tide's gone out!"

The man from down under:
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

Wrongly accused:
I was at a music store and checking out the records, (I'm really into vinyl) and find nothing that interests me, so I say "have a nice day" and as I was walking out of the music store I tucked in my shirt.
The guy at the door stops me and says "All right bubba I know you have got a record in your pants."
I pull away from his and say "I don t have nothin' of yours buddy!" he refuses to let me go and pulls me into the back room where his boss (the owner or the store, who was this tall sexy redhead) was at. She takes hold of me and the door man walks back to his position.
She interrogates me and I hold my ground. She even threatens to call the cops.
Right about then I got so frustrated that I pull down my pants and show her what I got.
She starts kissing my ass and telling me how sorry she was for falsely accusing me, and insists on walking me out of the store.
As we passed the door man he shouts "was there a record, did he have the record? "The owner said "No he missed it by an inch."

Close call:
A guy was watching over his kid for nightly prayers.
The kid says, "Goodnight mommy, daddy, grandpa, and goodbye grandma."
The next day the grandma dies. The guy thinks this is really weird. That night, the kid says "Goodnight mommy, daddy, and goodbye grandpa" The next day the grandpa dies.
The father is like this is really weird. That night the kid says, "Goodnight mommy, and goodbye daddy."
The father freaks. He's all like I'm gonna die. So the next day he goes to work really slowly and carefully, and is nice to everyone at work. at the end of the day, he drives home really carefully and collapses into a chair.
He says," Honey, can you get me a cup of coffee? I've had a really bad day. She says YOU'VE had a bad day! I found the mailman dead on the doorstep!

The early history of the K-9 unit:
On a hot blistering summer day, a coonass Cajun came riding into town on his bicycle with his dog following. He parked the bike and dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer. About 20 minutes later a deputy comes into the bar and asks who owns the dog tied under the tree. The Cajun said that it was his. The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat." The Cajun says, "No way dog's in heat, he's cool cause I got' im tied up under the shade of the tree." The deputy says, "No! you don't understand; your dog needs to be bred." No way", the Cajun says, "dog don't need bread, he ain't hongry, cause I done fed 'im beef jerky this mornin". Now the deputy gets mad and yells; "NO! you don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!" The Cajun looks at him and says, "Go ahead. I always wanted to git me a police dowg!"

Fixing Mister Bunny:
A blonde and her husband were driving home, when they hit a rabbit.
They both got out of the car and stood over the poor creature. The blonde and her husband stood there looking at the apparently dead animal, when she said "Oh I know!"
So she went to the car and rummaged through her purse and came with a bottle. She poured it on the rabbit and they both got in the car. Suddenly the rabbit got up and hopped a little bit and waved, hopped a little and waved, hopped to the top of the hill and waved. Then disappeared over it.
The husband just stared at his wife and said "Honey, what in the hell did you just pour on that rabbit?"
His wife just said "Hair Restorer, with a permanent wave."