Damn watch:
A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really nice watch."
Thanks, says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically."
"Bull shit," says the girl.
"No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on."
The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on."
"Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on."
"Damn," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it's an hour fast!"

Maybe he wants to eat him:
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
Susie, still crying, said, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

Stupid peotry:
There was a young man named Sweeney
who spilled some dry Gin on his weenie
now, being quite couth
he added vermouth
and slipped to his wife a Martini!

More stupid peotry: (yes I know dammit)
On the breast of a lady named Gail
Was tattooed the price of her tail
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was the same information in Braille.

Ol' Thunderpants himself:
Thor, the god of thunder, assumes mortal form, comes down to earth on a Friday night and goes to a singles bar.
He ends up going home with a beautiful woman. They spend the weekend at her place making passionate love, over and over again.
Come Monday morning, Thor deciding to reveal his true identity, says "I am Thor!"
The women looks at him and replies, "You think you're  Thor! I'm tho thor I can hardly thit down!"

Lesson learned:
Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse.
Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot."
The second man married a telephone operator.
Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, "Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom."
The third man married a school teacher.
Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid."
At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day.
The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
"Sir, what happened?" asked Jeff. "You married a nurse."
"Son, don't ever marry a nurse," the man sourly replied. "All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'."
The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed.
"What happened?" Jeff asked with surprise. "Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices."
"Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator," the man groaned. "All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'."
Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment.
Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.
Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.
"My goodness sir, what happened to you?" Jeff asked, fearing the worst. "Did you have a fight?"
The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right'."

Mrs. Boudreau's revenge:
A Coonass named Boudreau and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work.  Boudreau was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.
So Boudreau says to his wife "Baby, yore ass end is near bout as wide as this here grill!" She ignores the remark.
Later that night while in bed, Boudreau starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "Sho you don think I'm gonna fire up this grill for one little weeny!"