Bird tales:
An eagle was feeling rather horny, so he swooped down on a dove and took it back to his nest. Once back at the nest the dove said, "I'm a dove and I like love."
The eagle thought, "to hell with that," and tossed the dove out of the nest.
Then the eagle spotted an owl. So he swooped down on the owl and took it back to his nest.
Once back at the nest the owl said, "I'm an owl and I like to howl." The eagle thought, "the hell with that," and tossed the owl out of the nest.
Then the eagle spotted a duck. So he swooped down on the duck and took it back to his nest.
Once back at the nest the duck said, "I'm a drake and I think you've made a mistake!"

Damsel in distress:
A man is out walking in the hills when he sees a woman standing on the edge of a cliff. She is very upset and crying loudly.
"What are you doing up here" said the man.
"I'm going to kill myself" replied the woman.
"Well, before you do, how about giving me a blowjob?" said the man.
The woman proceeds to give him the best blowjob he can remember.
"Anyway, why do you want to kill yourself?" asks the man.
"Because my family has disowned me for dressing up as a woman."

Fish story:
A man was found guilty of having sex with a dolphin. His wife was so disgusted and embarrassed that she decided to divorce him.
He said, "I don't care, there's plenty more fish in the sea."

Jailbird:
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is, we put the prisoner in the prison."
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, enjoying the new experience, gives him a smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but just barely.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He glares at her, "Damn, it's not a life sentence!"

Misunderstood:
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"
The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."
The guy says, "You must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

Forensic files:
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He said, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.' She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.'
She replied, 'You mean it shows that, too?'

Robbery:
Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes.
"Help me! Help me!" she screamed. "I'm being robbed!"
"You ain't being robbed" her attacker interrupted. "You're being fucked!"
The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans. "If you're fucking me with that," she fumed, "I am being robbed!"

Voyage across the sea:
A blonde chick living in Galveston County wanted to get back to her old home in Boston but she was broke.
One day she wandered down to the Island and spotted a worker loading supplies onto a boat. "I need to get back to New England" she pleaded. "Can you help me?"
"Well, that's a coincidence. This ship leaves tonight for Boston. Tell you what, I'll hide you down in the rope locker and bring you food and water. In a couple of weeks we'll be in Boston, and I'll sneak you off the boat. But I do expect you to have sex with me every day along the way."
She agreed, and soon she was hidden below deck. For the next few days, the sailor brought food and had sex with her. One day the Captain was poking around and found her.
"What in the hell are you doing down there?" he demanded.
"I'm a stowaway" she admitted, "I'm going to Boston, and one of the sailors has been screwing me!"
"Hell yeah he's been screwing you" the Captain roared, "This is the Bolivar Ferry!"

Texas City Dyke:
A popular whore house was visited by a lesbian bull dyke. The lesbian requested a 15 year old, and the madam replied "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors to lickers."

Fairy Tale Politics...
"Mommy, do all fairy tales start with 'Once upon a time'?"
"No dear.. Nowadays, lots of them start with  'if I am elected…' "

The Blue Moron...
One afternoon this guy drives down the highway to visit a nearby lake and fish. On his way to the one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures  him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window. "How can I help you?"
"I am the red moron of the highway, you got something to eat?"
With a smile on his face he hands out one of his sandwiches to the red-dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes thereafter he come across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window.
"What can I do for you?"
"I am yellow moron of the highway, you got something to drink?"
Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of coke and takes off again. In order to make it to the lake before sunset he decides to go faster and not stop no matter what. To his frustration our guy sees sees a guy wearing all blue, flagging him down. He decides to stop a last time, rolls his window down and yells to the guy, So, what do you want, you blue moron of the highway?"
"Drivers license & registration please!"

Deductive Reasoning...
Sherlock Holmes and Dr, Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes asked, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson answered, "I see a million stars."
Holmes said, "and what does that tell you?"
Watson replied, " Astronomically, it tell me that there millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow . What does it tell you?"
"That someone has stolen our tent." answered Holmes

Mutual Fund and Musicians...
What's the difference  between a musician  and a mutual fund? The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.

Common Phrases Used When Drinking...
"Sotally Tober"
Starkle starkler little twink
Who the heck  you are I think
I'm not under what you call
The alfluence of oncohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet.
But the drunker I stand here
The longer I get
Just one more drink to fill my cup
I got all day  sober, to Sunday up

Two Blondes...
Two blonde girls walking along the shore one day, looking at the seagulls flying overhead.
As they were looking up, a bird in flight dropped his load on one blonde's head.
"Oh God," said the other. "I'll run back to the car and get some toilet paper!"
"Don't bother." said the splattered one, "he be gone before you get back!"