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The Rules: A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"
His new bride replied, "No, that's fine. But, understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
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Animals: Did you know that elephants actually have their sexual organs in their feet?
Yep, if one steps on you, you're fucked.
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Employee Evaluation Time:
Bob Smith, my assistant, can always be found
at work in his cube. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, he always
finishes assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
measures to complete work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classified as a high-caliber employee, that can't be
dispensed with. Consequently, I recommend that Bob be
promoted to management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Regards,
Project Leader
KEEP READING...
Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader:
Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.
Regards,
Project Leader
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I Object: Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, that provided their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.
One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!" The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."
So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a blonde swimming toward their island.
The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But, within a few minutes, up to the beach swam an exhausted, naked blonde woman, who immediately passed out from exhaustion.
The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time… do you think we should you know... screw her?"
The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked..."Out of what?"
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QUIZ: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same but the dishes are stacking up in the sink!
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A Valentines Rhyme:
Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . .
SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
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Dummy: A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in East Texas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to that loudmouthed little bastard sitting on your knee!''
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Emergency Landing: Williams is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves. Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says,
"Dear Mr. Williams... All is forgiven. Just tell us...where is it?"
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Last Words: After thirty-five years of marriage, Benny is on his deathbed and he says "Anna before I die I have to tell you something". She replies "Yes, dear anything what is it?" He starts, "The first year we were together, I caught pneumonia and almost died. You sat right by my bed the whole time." To which the wife nods her head and he continues, "When I lost half my family in a terrible car crash, it was you by my side. When our kids grew up and ran away from home, you sat with me and comforted me! And when I lost everything last year in the fire at the store, you were right by my side the whole time. Annabel You've been through everything with me."
"So before I die I just want you to know I think you're bad luck!"
Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Three Sons...
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. Remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks. "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
The Pope & The Queen
One day the Pope and the Queen of England were sitting in a balcony dicussing their power over their people. The Queen tells the Pope, "With one simple wave of my hand I can make my followers go crazy." "Prove it," says the Pope. The Queen then stood up, raises her hands in the air, and her beloved followers yelled, whistled, and clapped until she had lowered her hand. The Queen then sat back down and looked at the Pope to see what he had to say. The Pope sat contemplating on how he could top her stunt. He then said to the Queen, with great confidence, "With a movement of MY hand I can not only make this crowd go wild, but give them a story so great they will tell their children, their children's children, and so on." "I highly doubt that," remarked the Queen. So the Pope stood up, moved over towards the Queen and slapped her.
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