Traveling Man
A traveling man was visiting San Leon, and asked if there might be a cathouse anywhere around. He was given directions to a place, and went over there. He knocked at the door. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.
"I want to get screwed" said the man.
"Okay, mister, but this is a private club, so slip 20 bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot" answered the voice.
The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed.
Minutes passed and nothing happened.
He began to knock on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.
"Hey," the man said, "I want to get screwed!"
"What, again???"

Father of mine:
There's an old man who's sitting in a bus when a young punk walks in with a mohawk, blue hair, covered in red, yellow, and green feathers with no shoes and sits across from the old man. After ten miles of staring at each other the young punk says, "what the hell are you looking at, didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat the old man says "yep, when I was young and in the Navy I got drunk one night and had sex with a parrot...I thought you might be my son.

Yo Mamma
Yo mama's like Humpty Dumpty - first she gets humped then she gets dumped.

Things Cajuns Never Say:
I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
Duct tape won't fix that.
Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
Wrasslin's fake.
I'll have the mild sauce please.
We're vegetarians.
Honey, we don't need another dog.
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
I've got it all on the C drive.
She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that
    we haven't seen.
I believe I'll have the Roquefort dressing.
I couldn't have sex with her, she's my cousin.
I think you cooked those beans too long.
Checkmate.

Nursery Rhymes:
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides,
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
it was split right up the front,
but she didn't wear that one very often,
Cause the boys could see her cunt.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Said, "Fuck him, he's only an egg."

Mary had a little lamb.
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ass
and turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie pudding 'n pie,
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
he kissed them too, 'cause he was gay.

Stupid Pet Tricks:
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks' former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

Ethnic complaint:
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Sir, are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes. But let me ask you, if I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
"Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German?
"If I want Chop Suey are you going to ask me if I'm a Chinaman?
"Or if I had asked for tacos, would you ask if I was Mexican? Huh? Would ya?"
The embarrassed clerk says, "Well... no."
With deep self righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, so why in the HELL did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"
The clerk says, "Because this is an Ace hardware store."

Send in the clowns:
Q: How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
A: At the circus the clowns don't talk.

A Drunk Guy Ice Fishing… Need I Say More?
A drunk guy from the frozen wasteland of Boston (excuse me for being redundant) decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of a sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice."  The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks. "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice." The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!" The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?" "No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this ice rink."

Law Enforcement Texas-Style
The Kemah Police Department, the Texas Rangers, and the CIA were each trying to prove it was the best law enforcement agency. So future governor Kinky Friedman released a rabbit into the woods and gave each agency a chance to do its stuff.
The CIA placed animal informants in and around the forest and questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, the CIA concluded that rabbits do not exist, but if they did they would have weapons of mass destruction.
The Texas Rangers sent its people into the woods. After two weeks with no leads, the agents burned the forest, killing everything, including the rabbit. There were no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The Kemah Police Department sent its people in. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear was yelling, "OK! OK! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Bill And The Newspaper…
Bill woke up one morning, and made his way to the front porch to get the newspaper. After shuffling down the hallway and opening the front door, he reached down for the paper and saw a snail lying on the porch. Bill picked up the snail and threw it across the street. Two years later, on a Sunday morning, Bill was going through his same routine. Wake up, put on slippers and a robe, and make his way to the front door to retrieve the paper. When he opened the door, there sat a snail. The snail looked up at Bill and said, "Now, was that REALLY necessary????!!!"

Things to do in an elevator...
- When people get on, ask for their tickets.
- When only one other person are on it, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.
- Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
- Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, say "that's mine!"
- Stand alone, and when the doors open tell people trying to get on that the car is full and that they should wait for the next one.