Little Johnny Does It Again:

"Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the restroom?" the teacher asked.
"Just a minute, I have to go pee," he said.
The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Paul, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table."
"And you, Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"
I would say, "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment. I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

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Who Dat?

One morning, a milkman called on one of his regular customers and was surprised to see a white bed sheet with a hole in the middle hanging up in her living room.
The housewife explained that she'd had a party the night before in which the guests played "Who's Is It?" -- each of the men had put their equipment through the hole and the women tried to guess whose it was.
"Gee, that sounds like fun," said the milkman. "Sure wish I'd been there."
"You should have been," said the housewife. "Your name came up three times."

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Government Warning:

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, in cans, from taps, and in large "kegs."
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

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Mother-in-law:

Before going out one evening, a married couple made sure to put the dog out.
The taxi arrived, and as the couple headed out, the dog shot back into the house. They didn't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband went upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explained to the taxi driver, "My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he said, "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard! She better not shit in the garden again!"

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Sorry about your luck...

Two women are having coffee when one notices that the other woman seems troubled. So she asks her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious."
"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money in the stock market," she explained.
"Oh, that's bad," the other girl sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him."
"Yeah, I am," she said. "He'll miss me."

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Piano Man….

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you can go first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?"
Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amy," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said, and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a 7-year-old?"

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Meanwhile, up on the roof...

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra…

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing, 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."