Little Johnny:

Little Johnny goes to class one day to find that he has a substitute teacher. As the class gets settled the teacher writes her name on the board and says, "My name is Ms. Prussy, that's P-R-U-S-S-Y." Some of the kids in class snicker. So class goes by and the kids come to school the next day and there is the substitute again. She stands up in front of the class and says, "Okay students, who can remember my name?" About five hands go up and Little Johnny is one of them. He is jumping up and down trying to get her attention. The teacher says, "Okay Johnny, what is my name?" Johnny replies, "Ms. Crunt, C-R-U-N-T!"

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Power Of Attorney:

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer." So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, "Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?" He said, "Why yes I am!", so they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for an hour, and I'm already screwing someone!"

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Decisions, decisions...

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man carefully considered what had happened with all three of them before making a decision, and then he decided to marry the one with the biggest boobs.

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Duck Tape:

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks "James, what's wrong?"
"Well," replies James, "you know Mary, that hot girl at the beer joint that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says James, "I finally got up the courage to ask her out, and she said okay."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out with her?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues James, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I got to her door," says James, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sexiest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(James slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."

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Who wants to give it a try?

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my penis inside for one whole minute. In return, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. After a minute went by, the man grabbed a beer bottle and tapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unharmed. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to do the same thing." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

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You're so ugly….

Your dog has to close its eyes when it humps your leg!
When you walk into the bank they turn off the cameras.
You went to a haunted house and came out with an application.
Your parents named you Shit Happens.
When you were born they put tinted windows on your incubator.
When you sit in the sand cats try to bury you.
You have to Trick or Treat by phone.
Your mother had to get drunk before she breast fed you.