The Good, the Bad, & the Ugly:
Good: You're pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good: Your husband is not talking to you. Bad: He wants a divorce. Ugly: He's a lawyer.
Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find pornographic movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.
Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!

Fish For Sale:
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that." The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them.
When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "Hell yeah dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"

Strip Club Visit:
Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"
Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

One Day at the Loony Bin:
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie what are you doing?" And Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago."
"Great," replied the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating.
With surprise she asks, "Bob what are you doing!" Bob says... "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

Rodent Problem:
Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day and found him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick. In an attempt to hide it, Johnny's father bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously, "What ya doin', Dad?"
His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed."
Johnny replied, "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"

Kiss The Head Of Khrushchev:
There is a man in a hospital that thinks he will die. So he asks the beautiful nurse to accomplish his last wish.
"Nurse," he says, "I want to kiss the head of Nikita Khrushchev." (former President of the ex USSR who was fat and bald).
"Nikita Khrushchev? But he is dead for a long time," says the nurse.
"I don't care. I want to kiss his head," the man says. "This is my last wish!"
The nurse doesn't know what to do. Then she thinks of something. As the man did not wear his glasses, the nurse takes out of her bra her beautiful breast and offers it to the man. He holds it, caresses it, and is very moved.
"Oh my dear Nikita, my old friend! How happy I am to see you again!" he says.
He keeps kissing the breast. She begins enjoying the whole situation.
"What about kissing president Eisenhower's head?" she asks.
"Yes! Is he here too?" the man asks.
"Of course he is here," she says, and offers him her other breast.
"Oh my dear President, how happy I am to see you here," says the man kissing Eisenhower again and again.
The nurse likes all than very much, so she asks the man again, "What about Fidel Castro?"