Leaving It All Behind Dept.:
A clever attorney was convinced he found a way to take all of his riches with him when he died. When he finally became ill and saw that death was imminent, he instructed his wife to sell all of his investments and buy gold coins with the proceeds. She was instructed to place the gold in several bags with handles and place them in the attic directly over his bedroom. His plan was that when he died, his soul would rise up out of his body and ascend to heaven. As he passed through the attic, he would grab the bags of gold and take them with him.
Days later he finally died and the next day his wife went to the attic to see if the gold was gone, but found it was all still there. "The damn fool," she said to herself. "I told him we should have put them bags in the basement."

Misunderstanding Dept.:
A man goes into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order. "I'll have your biggest, thickest, juiciest steak," he says.
"But sir, aren't you concerned about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter.
"Oh no," answers the man, "she prefers to order for herself."

Dirty Politics Dept.:
A little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself."
"What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.
"Well, how do you know he's a Democrat?"
"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!"

Part Time Jobs Dept.:
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a prostitute, and I charge $40 for sex." The boy didn't like the idea, but eventually he realized she was serious. So, he reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I reckon I should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $50."

Leaving It All Behind Dept.:
A clever attorney was convinced he found a way to take all of his riches with him when he died. When he finally became ill and saw that death was imminent, he instructed his wife to sell all of his investments and buy gold coins with the proceeds. She was instructed to place the gold in several bags with handles and place them in the attic directly over his bedroom. His plan was that when he died, his soul would rise up out of his body and ascend to heaven. As he passed through the attic, he would grab the bags of gold and take them with him.
Days later he finally died and the next day his wife went to the attic to see if the gold was gone, but found it was all still there. "The damn fool," she said to herself. "I told him we should have put them bags in the basement."

Misunderstanding Dept.:
A man goes into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order. "I'll have your biggest, thickest, juiciest steak," he says.
"But sir, aren't you concerned about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter.
"Oh no," answers the man, "she prefers to order for herself."

Dirty Politics Dept.:
A little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself."
"What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.
"Well, how do you know he's a Democrat?"
"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!"

Part Time Jobs Dept.:
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a prostitute, and I charge $40 for sex." The boy didn't like the idea, but eventually he realized she was serious. So, he reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I reckon I should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $50."