Fear Factor:
Three guys went on a hunting trip. The tour guide told them that the very old, feeble gent by the fire in the lodge tells great stories. They went to the man and he began to tell them a story. He said, "Ten years ago I was in Africa hunting, and I fell asleep and when I woke up there was a lion in front of my face! All I could say is Ahhhh! Ooh! I actually shit my pants!"
One of the men exclaimed, "I would have done the same thing!"
The old man replied, "No, I mean I shit my pants just now!"

-heard at Brewsky's


Heaven Sent:
A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed. He was put in a room with another crazy man and immediately began his routine, "I am John the Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!"
"Naw" the other guy looked at him and declared, "I did not!"

-heard at Big Daddy's

Girls Night Out:
Two women were at a bar, having a fun night out away from their husbands. On the way home, they suddenly had a strong urge to pee. They decided to do it in a cemetery they passed, where no one would notice them. Once they were done, they realized they didn't have tissue. The first woman took off her underwear, used it as paper and threw it away. The second used some silk flowers from one of the tombs. The day after, one of the husbands called the other and said, angrily:
"Looks like our wives had a helluva time yesterday. Mine came home without her panties!"
The other one answered, even angrier, "That's nothing! Mine came back with a note stuck to her ass saying, "We will never forget you - from the whole gang!"

-heard at Ronnie's


Paybacks:
Jesse has just received his driver's license. His family goes out to the driveway and climbs into the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the backseat, directly behind the new driver. "I bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the boy to his father.
"No, son" replies his father, "I'm going to sit here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you've been doing to me the last fifteen fucking years!"

-heard at Splash #3

A Bull Story:
There were three bulls standing in the field one day. The largest of the three asked the others, "Hey, did you hear that the farmer is bringing in a new bull today?"
About that time, the farmer's truck pulled into the field. The back gate crashed open and out charged the biggest, maddest bull any of them had ever seen. He immediately began pawing the ground with his hoof, snorting and slinging his head around so everyone could see how huge his horns were.
The largest of the first three bulls was the first to speak, with a little tremor in his voice, "I don't think I've ever seen such a huge bull -- he'll probably take half my cows!"
The medium bull said, "He'll no doubt take all my cows, I don't have a chance."
The smallest bull began slinging his head about wildly, pawing the ground as if to challenge the new bull to a fight.
His two friends couldn't believe their eyes!
"What are you doing?" they asked, "he's going to come over here and clobber you!"
"That's fine," replied the smallest bull, "I just want to make sure he knows that I'm a bull!

- heard at Wayno's

Merry Christmas, asshole:
Little Johnny has a swearing problem and his father has had enough, so he decides leave him a pile of dog shit instead of what he really wants on Christmas.
Christmas morning arrives. Johnny wakes up and finds a large pile of dogshit. Confused, he goes downstairs and sees another pile of dogshit under the tree. He then goes to look outside and sees another pile of dogshit next to the garage.
The father goes downstairs and asks, "Son, what did Santa leave you?"
Johnny responds, "I dunno. I think it's some kind of big ass fucking dog, but I'll be damned if I can find the son of a bitch!"

-heard at Texas Tavern

One A Month Dept:
Wayne and Sam are having a conversation during their lunch break. Wayne asks, "So Sam, how's your sex life these days?"
Sam replies, "Oh, you know. It's the three S's, Social Security Sex."
"Social Security Sex?" Wayne asked.
"Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."

-heard at Michael's Buffalo Springfield


Salesmanship:
A promoter from KFC walks up to the Pope and offers him $20 million if he would change a line in "The Lord's Prayer," from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope thinks about all the good that can be done with the money, and decides to accept it on behalf of the Church. The following day, the Pope addresses the Cardinals: "I have some good news and bad news. The good news is that we have just received a check for $20 million. The bad news is, we've lost the Wonder Bread account!"

-heard at Neon Moon Saloon