The Piano Player
A man owned a piano bar but couldn't find a decent piano player.  He put a "Help Wanted" sign in his front window and on occasion someone would audition, but he couldn't find someone competent enough to hire.
One day out of the blue, a disheveled man stumbled through the bar, sat down by the piano, and played the most beautiful song imaginable.
Flabbergasted, the bar owner exclaimed, "That was amazing!  What's the name of that song?"
The disheveled man shrugged his shoulders.  "It's a little ditty I made up.  It's called 'We Screwed Standing Up In A Phone Booth'."
The owner was shocked by the title, but before he could say anything the disheveled man played another song--this one more beautiful than the last.
The owner exclaimed again, "What a wonderful song!  What's the name of that one?"
"I call it 'I Took a Crap and Forgot to Wipe My Ass'," the disheveled man replied.
The owner shook his head and said, "Look, you're an amazing piano player and I'm going to hire you--but on two conditions.  First, you must wear a tuxedo… and two, don't tell anyone the name of your songs!"
The pianist agreed and before too long, the piano bar was the hottest spot in town.
Hundreds of people a day would come by for some fine cuisine and beautiful music.
One day during intermission the pianist went to the bathroom and walked out, forgetting to zip his fly.  One of the patrons tapped the pianist on the shoulder and said, "Hey, buddy, do you know you just took a leak and your dick is sticking out?"
"Know it!" the pianist exclaimed, "I wrote it!"

The Dog Did It
A man was invited to meet his fiancé's Mother for the very first time and was understandably nervous.
He was sitting in the living room, directly across from the Mother, waiting for his fiancé to finish applying her makeup in the bathroom.
Suddenly, a small fart escaped from the man.  "Ginger!" the Mother cried to the family dog, who was lying at the man's feet.
"Cool," the man thought, "she's blaming the dog!"
After while the man leaned to his side and farted a little more.  "Ginger!" the Mother cried again.
"Ha!" the man thought, "I've got it made now!"
He leaned a little further and unleashed a gigantic fart.
"Ginger!" the Mother screamed, "get over here before he shits all over you!"

Super Duper
At a nursing home, an old man sat in his chair, watching his TV.
Suddenly one of his female neighbors barged through his door, hiked up her skirt, and yelled, "Super pussy!"
The old man looked up, shrugged his shoulders, and said "I'll have the soup."

Things that sound dirty at Thanksgiving but aren't
"That's a nice spread!"
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
"Talk about a huge breast!"
"It's Cool Whip time!"
"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
"Are you going to come again next time?"
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
"You still have a little bit on your chin."
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

Moth Patrol:
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

The Witness:
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'"

Labor Pains:
Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time dealing with the pain. The doctor came in and told