The Sex Life of an Electron:
One night when his charge was pretty high, Eddy Current decided to get a cute little coil to  discharge his flux capacitor. He picked up Millie Amp and took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode across the Rectifier Bridge, around the sine wave, and into a magnetic field next to a flowing current. Eddy, attracted by Millie Amp's characteristic curve, soon had her field fully excited and he couldn't resistor. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered  her resistance, stripped her insulation off, then pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted it in parallel and began to short circuit her field. With his tube at maximum output and her coil vibrating from current flow, she soon reached saturation. Eddy's capacitance was rapidly discharged, draining off every electron. They fluxed all night, trying various connections and sockets until Eddy's bar magnet had lost all of it's field strength.
Afterward, Millie tried self-inductance and damaged her multivibrator. But it didn't phasor. With his battery fully discharged, Eddy  was unable to excite his transformer. So they ended up by reversing polarity, and blowing each other's fuses.

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. "How much do I owe you?" the neutron asks. The bartender replies, "for you, no charge."

A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for a condom. The pharmacist says "Would you like me to stick that on your bill?"  The duck says: "What kind of duck do you think I am!"

PONDER THIS: What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank? A: She tied up the safe and blew the guard.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is….

Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't
exist.

Why wasn't Jesus born in Louisiana? They couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

Things Never To Say During Sex:
~ you've got to be kidding me.
~ do I have to pay for this?
~ (phone rings) hello - oh not much, how about
   you?
~ hurry up, the game's about to start.
~ what's your name again?
~ stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
~ what, oh yea, I love you too, now let me
    concentrate!!
~ is it o.k. if I call someone? its o.k. though,
    keep going.…
~ How come we each have a penis?
~ just use your finger, its bigger.
~ this shouldn't take long.
~ get off me, I'll do it myself!!!!
~ I think I just shit on your bed.

Two boys are playing football at a local park when one is attacked by a Doberman. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter driving by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Texans Fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook.
"I'm not an Texans fan," the boy replies.
"Oh ok. Cowboys fan rescues friend from horrific attack," the reporter starts again.
"I'm not a Dallas fan either," the boy says.
"What are you?" the reporter says.
"I'm a New York Giants fan!!!"
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Yankee kills family pet."

A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar, with loud rap music booming in the background. The salesman
says, "little boy is your mother home?"
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "what do you think?"

Q: What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?  A: Lipstick.

DIPLOMACY
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy
told him that they only sold whole heads, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager. The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in  a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"Really",  replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!"
The boy replied, "No shit! What team did she play for?"