A mushroom sits down on a bar stool. The bartender frowns at it and says," I'm sorry, but we don't serve mushrooms here."
The mushroom smiles at him brightly and answers " Why not? I'm a fungi."

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
"How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass!"

A drunk stumbles along a Sunday afternoon baptismal service down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stands next to the preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk, and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher. I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.
"No, I didn't!" replies the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not Reverend."
The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, then brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.
"Hey, lady," yells Larry, "Throw me the cat."
"No," she cries, "It's too far."
"I play football, I can catch him."
The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one-handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.
Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself.
His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

The Houston Police, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it -- including the rabbit -- and make no apologies. "The rabbit had it coming."
The Houston PD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she's touched there. So they go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Anything is worth a try, the husband thinks so he finally agrees and goes into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor shows a flatline... no pulse...no heart rate.
The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says,
"I think she choked."

Two blondes walk up to a perfume counter. The first one picks up a sample bottle, sprays it on her wrist, smells it, and says, "That's nice, don't you think, Tracy?"
Tracy says, "Yeah. What's it called, Sharon?"
Sharon says, "Viens a moi."
Tracy says, "Viens a moi? What's that mean?"
The store clerk says, "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'Come to me.'"
Sharon takes another sniff and says,  "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does it smell like come to you?"

Fontenot & Boudreau landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before the morning break, Fontenot yelled "Boudreau, I've lost me finger!"
"Dammit man," said Boudreau. "how you do dat?"
Fontenot replied "I just touched dis here big, shiny spinning thing here like thi...damn! There goes another one!"