Anything But Cheerios
A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says, ''When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'.'' The 4-year-old happily agrees.
As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, ''Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios." The surprised mother reacts quickly and whacks him one. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, ''And what would YOU like for breakfast?''
''I don't know,'' the 4-year-old blubbers, ''but you can bet your ASS it's not gonna be Cheerios!''

Curious George & The Egg
The man in the yellow hat walks into a bar with Curious George. He sets the monkey on the bar and orders a beer. After awhile, the monkey gets rambunctious, and starts playing around with the balls on the pool table. It's all fun and games until the monkey grabs the cue ball and swallows it.
"Aw hell" the bartender says, "He ate my fucking cue ball! They cost me $10 each!"
The monkey's owner chastises the little monkey and puts him on a leash. He apologizes to the bartender and pays $10 for the cue call.
A few days later the same guy comes back in the bar with the monkey. This time the monkey behaves nicely, and sits quietly on the bar.
"He sure is behaving himself better today than he was last time" the bartender says. "Mind if I give him a boiled egg?"
"Go ahead" the man says, "He likes eggs.
So the bartender gives the monkey a boiled egg, and is disgusted to see the monkey stick the egg up his rectum, then pull it out again, then eat it.
"Aw, that's just wrong" the bartender says. "I never saw anything so disgusting".
"Yep" the man in the yellow hat said, "Ever since he et that cue ball, he's checking everything for size before he eats it".

Little Johnny Again…
Little Johnny stands up in class and says, "Teacher, teacher, does honey have legs?"
And the teacher replies, "No, why do you ask?"
"Because," says the boy, "Last night I heard my dad saying, 'honey open your legs, honey open your legs!'"

3 Dead Guys...
Three men approached the gate to heaven and as there was only one opening left, Saint Peter said that whoever had the most remarkable death could enter. He asked the first man how he died, and the man replied, ''Imagine this -- I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and I wanted to find out. I came home to surprise her and catch her in the act. When I searched the house I found her in the bathroom. The mirror was fogged and she had a towel on but her hair wasn't wet, so I knew she wasn't taking a shower. I looked all around the house to find the guy. I found ten fingers hanging onto the window sill outside. I pounded them until he finally let go. When he fell he landed in some bushes and God must have loved him because he lived, so I threw the refrigerator out the window to finish him off. Squashed him flat as a bug. After all the excitement I fell dead of a heart attack.''
Then Peter asked the second man how he died. He replied, ''Imagine this -- I'm washing windows on the 6th floor. The scaffold comes untied and I fall off the side. I reach out and catch a window sill, then some idiot starts pounding on my fingers. When I fall I land in some bushes and God must have loved me because I lived. But then that same idiot threw his refrigerator out the window and it crushed me.''
''That, too, is horrible,'' said St. Peter. Then he asked the third man the same question.
His reply was, ''OK, imagine this, there I am, naked in a refrigerator...''

Bribe and Groom
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to worship the ground she walks on, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

The Waiting Room
This woman is rushed to the hospital in critical condition. Her husband waits patiently in the waiting room. After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband. Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room this time asking for a screwdriver. The man grows worried and begins to pace in circles. Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer, at that, the husband, in a state of frenzied terror, runs up to the surgeon and asks, ''Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?''
"I don't know," replies the flustered doctor, "I can't get my damn bag open!"