A seven year old boy goes to the hospital with his grandmother to visit his grandfather.
When they arrive there he runs ahead of his granny and beats her up the elevator. He bursts into his grandpa's room.
"Grandpa, as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make noises like a frog," he shouted.
"Ok, I guess, but why?" asked his grandpa.
"Well, Grandma said if you croaked, we're going to the beach!"

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary looked confused. "He didn't hang himself", she said, "I put him there to dry."

Man approaches to greet a new neighbor who is just moving into the house next door and asks what he does for a living.
Neighbor 1: I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning.
Man: Deductive reasoning? What is that?
Neighbor 1: Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog.
Man: That's right.
Neighbor 1: The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family.
Man: Right again.
Neighbor 1: Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife.
Man: Correct.
Neighbor 1: And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual.
Man: Yup.
Neighbor 1: That is deductive reasoning.
Man: Cool.
.....Later that same day...
Man: Hey I was talking to that new neighbor next door.
Neighbor 2: Is he a nice guy?
Man: Yes, and he has an interesting job.
Neighbor 2: Oh, yeah? What does he do?
Man: He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University.
Neighbor 2: Deductive reasoning? What's that?
   

Man: Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?
Neighbor 2: No.
Man: Faggot.

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
Well now . . . says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich." *POOF*  Her rocking chair turns into solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." *POOF* She turns into a vision of beauty! "Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Oh, can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. . . . *POOF*  There, before her, stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten with romantic thoughts.
With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "I bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer, "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With who?"
"With YOU!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"