A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and figuring that the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by deep groans, as if in anguish. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno..." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly."
To which he replies, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have a Westinghouse logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then, would you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're a mess and a real hazard."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have a Black and Decker logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." He continued, "In fact, I've had enough of all your bickering. I'm going to the bar!"
So, the pleasant husband goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. Sometime later, he starts to feel guilty about his treatment of his wife, so he decides to return home and help out with the chores.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps have been repaired. Then, as he enters the house, he notices the hall light is working again. And, to top it off, when he goes to get a beer from the fridge, he notices the fridge door has been fixed.
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
His wife replies, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either have sex with him or bake him a cake."
"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" asks the husband.
"Hellooooooo!" she replies emphatically, "Do you see a Betty Crocker logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"
A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?" he asks.
"What's he look like?" asks one shoddy-looking cowboy.
"Well", replies the Sheriff, "he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper vest, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."
"So what's he wanted for?" asks the cowboy.
"Rustlin'."

"Hey, bartender," says a customer, sitting at the bar. "What kind of bird is that?"
"Oh," says bartender Bob, "it's a Drinky Bird!"
"I never heard of a Drinky Bird," says the guy.
"Just watch," says Bob. He takes a Nightmoves paper off the bar and throws it down on the floor, then he turns to the bird and says, "Drinky Bird, my paper!" The bird swoops down and attacks the newspaper. He rips it to shreds until there's nothing left but tiny pieces of confetti.
"Wow," says the customer, "can I try?"
"Be my guest," the bartender replies.
The customer takes off his shoe and puts it on the bar and says, "Drinky Bird, my shoe!" The bird flies down off the perch and picks the shoe up with his beak. He slams the shoe down on the bar and starts attacking it. In no time, the shoe is reduced to nothing but a few pieces of leather and a shoelace. Then the bird flies back to his perch behind the bar.
Suddenly a tough looking guy walks into the bar. He yells, "Gimme a beer NOW!"
He looks around the bar snarling and yells at the patrons, "What the Hell are you clowns looking at?" The bar is completely silent.
Then the bully notices the bird and says, "What the hell kind of stupid looking bird is that?"
"That's Drinky Bird," says bartender Bob.
The tough guy laughs and yells, "Drinky Bird, my ass!"

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to piss!' Miss Jones replied, 'Now Johnny, that is not the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please use the word urinate in a sentence correctly and I will allow you to go. Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, 'Urinate, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a 10.'

Why wasn't Jesus born in Dickinson?
They couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

When a woman has surgery to become a man, what is the surgical procedure called?
An addadicktome.

Little Johnny's dad came home from work to find his wife frantic. "Look what I found in Johnny's closet!" she said, throwing down a stack of s & m porno magazines. "What are YOU going to do about YOUR son?"
"Well" Johnny's dad replied. "I guess I better not give him a spanking!"