A teacher announced to her class that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and practice their spelling at the same time.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the job of one of your parents, spell it, and  tell something they could give us if they were here."
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."
Marcy replied, "My mom is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if she was here today, she would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."
"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, "My mom is a Phlebotomist. P-L, no wait, P-L-E, no..."
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never spell "Phlebotomist."

The other day I bought a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at a busy intersection, just lost in thought, and didn't notice the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord, because he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could!
Another man was waving in a funny way with only his middle finger. I asked my kids what that meant. They giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian peace sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the peace sign back.
Several cars showed their love for Jesus by honking continuously. A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and began walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, so I stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there, leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian peace sign as I drove away.
A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "Man, I'm dying to have sex in the worst way. So the bartender says, "Well, the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock."

ALCOHOL SIDE EFFECTS:
Symptom: Warm and humid feet. Cause: You pissed your pants. Cure: Dry yourself at nearest restroom.
Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights. Cause: You're lying on the floor. Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.
Symptom: The floor looks blurry. Cause: You're looking through an empty glass. Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.
Symptom: The floor is moving. Cause: You're being dragged away. Cure: At least ask where they're taking you.
Symptom: You see multiple reflections of your face. Cause: You're trying to puke in the toilet.
Cure: Stick your finger in your mouth.
Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive. Cause: You're in an ambulance. Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife, in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold!"

The mortician calls Mrs. Banley, and says, "Excuse me Mrs. Banley, but I can't seem to close the lid to your husband's coffin because he has a huge erection." To which she replies, "Why don't you cut it off and stick it up his ass? That's the only hole in town it hasn't been in."

BAR POEMS:
Abraham Lincoln was a good old man. He hopped out the window with his dick in hand. he said, "Excuse me ladies, just doing my duty so why not pull down your pants and give me some booty."

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana, Jack got high, unzipped his fly, and Jill said "I don't wanna"
Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.