A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches. "Can I help you, Sir?"
"Yesssh! Ssssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was the car the last time you saw it?" "It wassss at the end of thissss key!" the man answers. About that time, the officer looks down and sees that the man's "thing" is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He says to the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" The shocked man looks down and, without missing a beat, moans, "OHHHH GOD....They got my girlfriend, too!!!"

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She hurried him into the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are YOU?" he demanded. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.  "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.  "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!!!"

A blonde storms up to the Customer Service Desk at Wal-Mart and slams down her package to show her dissatisfaction. The man behind the counter examines the product and asks "What's the problem, Miss, didn't your cat like these "Pussy Treats?" The pretty blonde opens her eyes wide in disbelief and says, "You mean these are for CATS?"

After the grade-school class comes back inside, the teacher asks Alice, "What did you do at recess?" Alice says, "I played in the sandbox." "That's nice," the teacher says. "If you can go to the blackboard and write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." Alice does, and she gets a cookie. Then the teacher asks Billy what he did at recess. Billy says, "I played in the sandbox with Alice." The teacher says, "Good. If you can write 'box' on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh- baked cookie." Billy writes the word, and he gets a cookie.  The teacher then asks Mustafa Abdul what he did at recess. "I tried to play with Alice and Billy," Mustafa answers, "but they threw rocks at me."  "They threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination!" the teacher says. "If you can go to the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination', I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie!"

Little Johnny is walking down the road one morning with something cupped in his hands. An old coonass farmer sitting on the porch sees him coming and wonders what he is up to.  "Hey little Johnny, whatcha got there in your hands?"  Johnny replies, "Got me a bullfrog...goin to town to get me a bull."  The old farmer just chuckles. A short while later, here comes Johnny leading a bull. The Cajun scratches his head in amazement.  Next day, here comes Johnny down the lane again with something cupped in his hands. The old farmer looks up and asks again, "Johnny, whatcha got in your hands?"  Johnny replies, "Got me a horsefly...goin to town to get me a horse."  The man sits back and waits. Sure enough, a short while later, here comes Johnny leading a horse. The old guy is stunned. Third day Johnny comes by with duct tape. "Where ya going?" asks the Cajun. "Got some duck Tape, going after some ducks" Johnny answers. Sure enough, he soon comes back with a bag full of ducks. Very next morning, here comes Johnny down the road with something in his hands. The old farmer looks up and asks, "Johnny, whatcha got in your hands today?"  Johnny replies, "Got me a pussy willow...goin to town..." "Wait for me ya little bastard, I'm comin with you!" yells the old farmer.

HEARD IN COURT:
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake."

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser". "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Dave, baby," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."