WARNING FROM HARRIS COUNTY SHERIFF: If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your boobs, do not show him your boobs. This is a scam; he only wants to see your boobs.

One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," his wife replied, "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Texas A & M."  And they say blondes are dumb…

There were three men sitting at the bar. Dennis asked the other two guys:
"What do you want your family and friends to say at your funeral?"
Bert says, "I guess I'd want them to say that I was a nice guy and that I was good at sex."
Jim says, "I'd want them to say that I always paid my tab, and never spilled my beer."
Dennis said, "Really? I'd want them to say... LOOK! He's moving!!!"

Mr. Snail is walking down the road, when all of a sudden the Turtle brothers appear. They rough up the snail, take his money, and leave him for dead. Months later in the courtroom, after the Turtle boys have been arrested, the judge asks Mr. Snail to describe what happened on the night of the assault.
"I would love to", Mr. Snail says, "but it all happened so fast!"

A couple was out cruising down Highway 6, not saying a word.  An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a trailer with a bunch of goats and pigs out front, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."

A busload of politicians were driving through east Texas, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the constable came out, saw the crashed bus and asked where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he buried them.
The constable asked, "Were they ALL dead?"
The farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

John was a clerk in a small drugstore, but he wasn't much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Joe, the owner, had enough of him and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for his best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Joe's warning, he sold the man a box of laxatives and told him to take them all at once. The customer did as John said, and then walked outside and leaned up against his truck. Joe had seen the whole thing and came over to ask what happened.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I sold him some laxatives instead, and told him to take them all at once," John explained.
"Idiot! Laxatives won't cure a cough!" Joe shouted angrily.
"Sure they will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the truck. "Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the female clerk, "Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what size to buy."
"That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."
So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the clerk sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the girl. Then he pulls it out and sticks it through the second hole where she begins to give him a blow job. Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. She begins to hump it. Afterwards, she quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is beginning to stumble back in.  She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?"
"Aw, to hell with the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"

Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on. Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a used condom.
"Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny. His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his son.
I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice." replied his father.
Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said, "Well, what are you doing? Fucking them?"