Nasty Divorce: A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, by now he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."  She asks, "Really? What's that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

Dying Confession: Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk." But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping John. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."  "No, no. I must die in peace, John. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your boss." John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

Bear: A bear walks into a bar in Boston and says "give me a beer". Bartender say, "Sorry, but it's  against the law to serve beer to a bear in a bar in Boston". Bear says, "See that girl at the end of the bar? If you don't give me a beer, I'll rip off her head and eat her!" Bartender says, "I wish you wouldn't, but I still can't serve you. It's against the law to serve beer to a bear at a bar in Boston!" So the bear kills the girl and eats her.
"See?" says the bear, "I warned you! Now give me a fucking beer!" Bartender says, "Sorry, but I can't serve beer to a bear on drugs!"
"Drugs??!!" says the bear, "What drugs???"
"Yes, drugs", says the bartender, "That was a bar bitch you ate!"

Murphys Nails: Murphy owned a nail manufacturing factory. He called in an advertising agency to make an ad for TV. Three weeks later the agency said his new ad would get its first showing on the following night during "The Sopranos". Murphy invited all his friends and relations round to his house to see the ad. The ad came on and the camera zoomed in on a grassy field and there was lovely background music. The camera then moved over the grass and up the side of a hill. At the top of the hill it came to the bottom of a cross. It slowly moved up the cross... to reveal Jesus on the cross. It moved out to his hands to show the nails driven through the hands. A voice then said, "Always use Murphy's nails". Murphy and his friends were appalled. Next day newspapers and talk shows were discussing the tasteless and irreverent ad for Murphy's nails. Murphy became the most hated man in the country and business sucked. Murphy called the advertising agency in despair and asked them to change the ad. Three weeks later they called saying there would be a new ad the following night. Murphy got all his friends in again. The ad came on as before, the camera focused on the grass, same background music. "Shit, I'm screwed," says Murphy. The camera went up the hill and came to a cross, moving up this time there was no one on the cross. The camera looked off into the distance.... and there was Jesus legging it across the fields. A voice rang out, "They should have used Murphy's nails!"

Appointments: One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Boat Ride: A young blond woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the bay. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy". The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Hawaii, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Bolivar Ferry!"