What goes Fee Fi Fo Fee Fi Foe Fi?
Mike Tyson giving out his phone number.

A man met a beautiful hooker and agreed to spend the night with her for 500 bucks. So they did, and before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the
price. So he had his secretary send a check for 250 bucks and enclosed
the following note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find a check in the amount of 250 bucks for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check
250.00 with the following note:
Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.

One day two very loving parents got into a fight, the man called the woman a bitch and the woman called the man a bastard. Their son walked in and said "what's that mean?" the parents told him it meant ladies and gentlemen. The next day the parents decided to have sex, the woman said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick" their son walked in and asked "what's that mean?" and the parents said it meant hats and coats. On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "shit" he said, the kid came in, "what's that mean?" and the man said that it was the brand of shaving cream he was using. Downstairs the mom was preparing the turkey and she cut herself with the knife, "fuck" she said, once again the kid came in and said "what's that mean?" the mom said that's was what she was doing to the turkey, then the door bell rang and the kid answered the door to see his relatives for Thanksgiving, the kid said, "alright you bastards and bitches, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is down here fucking the turkey!

A guy comes home from the bar one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.
His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"
He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."
She thinks to herself "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.
He yells at her, "What was that?"
She replies "Touchdown, tie score."
Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's lying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits all over the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
He replied, "Half time, switch sides."

At a gambling casino, two guys arewaiting at the dice table for additional competition. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The other two agree. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm not wearing underwear." With that she strips naked from the waist down. She then rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants! YES! I WIN!"
With that she picks up her money and clothes and leaves. The two just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, oneof them asks, "What did she roll anyway? The other answers, "I don't know. I thought you were watching the dice!"

A man goes to his doctor with a problem. He pulls down his pants and displays his rather long and large penis.
"What's the problem?" the doctor asks.
"A kiss, a touch or even just a whiff of perfume and whammm! I get this tent in my pants."
The doctor thinks for a moment. "Well, drugs are out of the question, they could have some long term side effects. Have you tried strapping it to your leg?"
The man agrees to try it. A couple of days later the doctor runs into his patient. "So, how did things work out?" "Okay, at first," the man admits. "I took this girl out on a date, we had a great time, with it strapped to my leg my erection wasn't so obvious. When I took her home, she leaned over to give me a goodnight kiss, giving me a peek down her blouse, and that's when it happened." "What?" "That's when I kicked her in the face!"