20 YEARS: A woman awakened during the night to find her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs to look for him. She found him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watched as he wiped a tear from his eye and took a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?", she whispered as she stepped into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of the night?".
The husband looked up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes, I do" she replied.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us screwing in the back seat of my car?".
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send your ass to prison for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

DANGEROUS: There's a senior citizen driving up I-45. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, "George, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was some lunatic driving the wrong way on Gulf Freeway!"
George says, "One? Shit, there must be a hundred of 'em!"

PULL OVER BUDDY: A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $1,000 in a safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.
The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart ass when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked "Are we over the border yet?"

NO SERVICE: Eggs and Bacon are walking down the street one day, and decide to stop for a bite to eat at a restaurant.
They sit at the counter and order some food, but the manager comes out and says, "Sorry guys, but we don't serve breakfast".

THE ASPHALT: One afternoon this guy drives down the highway to Lake Jackson to relax. On his way, a man dressed from head to toe in red  flags him down. Red hat, red shirt, red shoes. Wondering what the hell is going on, our guy rolls down the window. "Can I help you?" he asks.
"I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?"
With a smile in his face he hands a sandwich to the red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes later, there's another guy. This time the guy is fully dressed in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window. "What can I do for you?"
"I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to drink?"
Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of Coke and takes off again. A couple of miles later he sees a guy all dressed in blue flagging him down. By now he is getting sick of this shit, pulls over,  rolls his window down and yells to the guy, "So, what do YOU want, you blue bastard of the asphalt?"
"Drivers license and registration please."

POETRY: There was a farmer who had four daughters. One night he heard a knock at the door and found a young man standing there. The young man said: "My name is Freddy. I've come to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti. I hope she's ready." The farmer thought that this was cute so he let them go out. Pretty soon there was another knock at the door and another young man standing there. He said, "My name is Vance. I've come for Nance. We're going to a dance. Is she ready by chance?" Again the farmer thought this was cute and let them go. Soon another knock on the door with yet another young man. He said, "My name is Joe. I'm here to get Flo. We're going to the show, Is she ready to go?" Again the farmer was amused and let them go. Again there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing there. He began, "My name is Chuck." The farmer shot him.

HOLMES AND WATSON: Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes asked, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson said, "I see millions of stars."
Holmes said, "And what does that tell you?"
Watson replied, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, It tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does It tell you?"
"That some asshole has stolen our tent," Answered Holmes.

COLD CUT: It was the coldest cut of them all. I showed her a snapshot of me, as a child, sitting on my father's knee. She wanted to know who the ventriloquist was.