"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

"This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where i can reach you. and I will think about calling you back."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a glass of milk. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?
The Lone Ranger stood up and said, "I do. Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got  water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe" and took off, running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his milk.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts in and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun running."

It was time for St. Peter's annual vacation, and Jesus volunteered to fill in for him.
"It's no big deal," St. Peter explained. "Just sit at the big desk, and ask each person a little about their life. Then, send them to pick up their wings."
On the third day, Jesus looked up to see a bewildered old man standing in front of him. He asked the old man to tell him something about himself.
"I'm a simple carpenter," said the old man. "And once I had a son. He was born in a very special way, and was unlike anyone else in the world. He went through a great transformation even though he had holes in his hands and feet. He was taken from me a long time ago, but his spirit lives on forever. All over the world people tell his story."
By this time, Jesus was standing with his arms outstretched. There were tears in his eyes, as he embraced the old man. "Dad..." he cried, "it's been so long!"
The old man squinted, removed his glasses, stared blankly for a moment while he wiped the glasses, returned the glasses to his head, looked at Jesus again and said, "Pinocchio?"
Did you hear about the hooker that had to get her appendix out? The doctor sewed up the wrong hole and now she's making money on the side.

Three dogs are waiting in a vet's waiting room.
The first dog says, "Boy, am I in trouble! I bit this kid that's always throwing rocks at me and now they're giving me the gas."
The second dog says, "I'm in big trouble too. I attacked the mailman. I just couldn't help it, and now they're giving me the gas."
The third dog says, "I walked into the bedroom of my mistress, saw her totally naked on the bed, jumped on her and tried to take advantage."
The first two dogs look at each other and ask in amazement: "You're getting the gas for THAT?"
The third dog says, "Hell no! I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

William and Mildred were married for 25 years. They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. William brushed her off rather rudely. Mildred objected, "William, she was nice, that woman, and you were so rude."
"Mildred, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet, young thing?
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, William called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217.
"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, okay?" She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. William opened it and Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.
"So, I see you're interested after all," she said.
William asked, "How much do you charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."
William was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."
Candie laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said William, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."
William said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Candie came up behind William, pointed slyly at Mildred, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

There was a young lady from Norway
Who hung by her heels in a doorway
She said to her beau:
'Hey, look at me Joe!
I think I've discovered one more way!'

5 THINGS DOGS MUST TRY TO REMEMBER
1. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff even though I haven't gotten the chance to rip the bag to shreds to see what was in it.
2. I will not eat the cat's food, before or after they eat it.
3. The Fire engine is NOT a big, fast, red dog. I will stop trying to communicate with it.
4, We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
5. I will not steal my Mom's underwear off the line and run up and down the street with it.