Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh, sure I do."
The first asks, "What do you do?"
The second replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks......"Which beach do you go to?"

Nightmoves Magazine sends one of its reporters to Louisiana to gather life stories from the Cajuns living in the bayous. When the reporter reaches the area, he goes deep in the swamp where he encounters an old man sitting on a rocking chair in the front porch of his cabin.
"Morning!" says the reporter. "I'm a reporter, here to get life stories from the folks living in this area. Do you have any memorable stories to tell?"
The old man thinks for a while and then says with a smile, "I memba de day when my neighbor's sheep got lawst in de ticket. So me and de boys went off a lookin for dat dam sheep and we brung 'long some moonshine. When we fine dat sheep, we taken turns a fuckin it. We had a big ol time drinking and fuckin."
The reporter tells the old man, "That's, ahh, an, ahh, interesting story, sir, but I can't use that in the magazine. Do you have any other stories?"
"Less see," the old man tries to remember something and then he grins. "I sho memba de day my neighbor's daughter she got lost in de ticket. So me and de boys went off a looking for that dam girl and we brung along some moonshine. When we fine dat girl, we taken turns a fuckin her. We had a big ol time drinking and fuckin."
The reporter says in a frustrated voice, "Listen, sir! My magazine won't allow that story to be printed. How about a sad story? Do you have any sad stories?"
This time, the old man looks sad and says, "Well, I memba de day when I got lost in de ticket ..."

A college professor at UH always starts his class with a dirty joke. After one particularly vulgar story, all the women decide to leave the next time he starts telling a joke. The next day the Professor comes into class and says, "Did you hear about the shortage of whores in India?"
With that all the women got to their feet and headed toward the door.
"Wait," cried the Professor, "the boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember swallerin that!"
A bald man with one leg wanted to go to a fancy costume party but he didn't know what to go as. He e-mailed a costume company and asked for a recommendation. The reply came back saying that he could go as a monk because of his bald head. He replied angrily saying that they were just being rude about his bald head. The company apologized and wrote back saying that he could go as a pirate, his bald head could be covered by the hat and his wooden leg would compliment the outfit. He replied angrily saying they were just being rude about his wooden leg. A few days later he received a reply: "Here's a thought - stick that wooden leg up your ass and go as a candy apple!"

After the 1st grade class comes back inside, the teacher asks Alice, "What did you do at recess?" Alice says, "I played in the sandbox." "That's nice," the teacher says. "If you can spell 'sand', I'll give you a cookie." Alice does, and gets a cookie.
Then the teacher asks Billy what he did at recess. Billy says, "I played in the sandbox with Alice." The teacher says, "Good. If you can spell 'box', I'll give you a cookie." Billy does, and he gets a cookie.
The teacher then asks Abdul what he did at recess. "I tried to play with Alice and Billy," the boy answers, "but they threw rocks at me."
"They threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination!" the teacher says. "If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination', I'll give you a cookie!"

Little Johnny is walking down the road one morning with something cupped in his hands. A farmer sitting on the porch sees him and wonders what he is up to.
"Hey little Johnny, whatcha got there?"
Johnny replies, "Got me a bullfrog...goin to town to get me a bull."
The old farmer just chuckles. A while later, here comes Johnny leading a bull.
Next day, here comes Johnny down the lane again with something in his hands. The farmer looks up and asks again, "Johnny, whatcha got there?"
Johnny replies, "Got me some duck tape...goin to get me some ducks."
The old farmer sits back and waits. Sure enough, a short while later, here comes Johnny with a bag full of ducks.
Very next morning, here comes Johnny down the lane with something in his hands. The farmer looks up and asks, "Johnny, whatcha got  today?"
Johnny replies, "Got me a pussy willow...goin to..."
"Wait for me, ya little bastard, I'm comin with you!" yells the farmer.

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off!"

REJECTED ARMY SLOGANS: "Be a flame thrower, not a flame broiler"; "Kill all that you can kill"; "Don't ask, don't tell, don't accessorize".