JACKIES: "What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

BIG DAWGS: An Italian named Luigi, saved his money for a ticket to America. His entire village went down to the pier to see him off, telling him how lucky he was, going to live in the land of opportunity.
In six months, Luigi was back, disgusted and disappointed. His friends all told him, "Luigi, you crazy, why you come back?"
"Bah! America! Nothin' but SEX, SEX, and MORE sex!" Luigi griped. "All day long, Sex! In the newspapers, onna th' radio, inna the movies, onna the billboards, all you see is SEX. It'sa disgusting! Why, even the ship that sail into New York, the band on the dock is'a playin', an' whadda you 'tink they play?"
"Yanky-my-Doodle, She's a Dandy..."

SPLASH:  A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, followed by three rotations in a jackknife position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about fifty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said, "I was a hooker in McAllen, Texas, and I worked both sides of the river."

WAYNOS: The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.
"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the toilets gold plated."
She didn't believe him so she called the bar.
"Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your bathroom fixtures gold plated?"
To which she heard the bartender say, "Hey, Mike, I think we found the guy who shit in your saxophone!"
PALS: While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and he began a conversation.
Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Indian: Look of shock.
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: Real good. He feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: Look of disbelief.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Good."
Indian: Extreme look of shock.
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?"
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good. He brushes me down, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Indian: Complete look of utter amazement.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep liar."

ATLANTIS: Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom, one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed preparing for a quickie by sliding a condom on. In attempt to hide his condom-covered erection, Johnny's father bent over as if to look under the bed.
"Whatta ya doin', dad?" Little Johnny asked.
"Uhhhh . . . I thought I saw the cat go underneath the bed," his father quickly replied.
"Really, Dad? Whatta ya gonna do, screw it?"

TC SUDS:  Two men were talking at a bar.
"I dreamt I was on vacation," one man said. "It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream."
"I had a dream too," said the other. "I dreamt I was in bed with two women!"
His companion looked over and said, "You had two women, and you didn't call me?"
"Oh I did," said the other, "but your wife said you'd gone fishing."