EROS 1207: A little old lady in her 80's, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. At the counter she asks the clerk: "D-d-do youuuu hhhave v-v-vibratorss?" The clerk, trying not to burst out Laughing, replies: "Yes we do. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks: "D-d-do y-you c-c-carry a-a p-p-pink one, t-t-ten inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk?" The clerk responds, "Yes we do." "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnn ttthe mmmother ffffuuccckkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?".

GOOD TIMES: A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he went to see his doctor. The doctor suggested that the man could solve his problem by startling himself whenever he thought he was going to ejaculate.
So, the man went directly to a sporting goods store and bought a starter pistol. Then he went home to try the advice.
When he got home, he found his wife waiting for him on their bed,... naked! So he ripped off his clothes and began making love with her. Eventually, they wound up in the "69" position and then the man felt an enormous urge to ejaculate, so he fired off  his new starter pistol.
Next day, he went back to the doc and reported his results. He said, "It didn't work out for me, Doc! When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

CURLEY'S:  Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

BOOGIE NIGHTS: I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead.

MARIBELLE'S: A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive girl. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."
Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?", she asks.
"Well, it says you're not wearing panties...".
The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken, because I am wearing panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn-- this thing must be an hour fast!".

BOB'S ICEHOUSE (a lesson in Marketing): You see a sexy girl at a party. You approach her and say, "I'm great in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends approaches her, points at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition!

BIG DADDYS: This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.  He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle."
"A fottle? That's a stupid name. Can you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton."
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that."
"In that case," says the man, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

THE BLUE DOLPHIN: The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day. "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," replied Little Johnny.
Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, "With who?"
"With you!" he said.
"But Little Johnny," said the teacher gently, "don't you see how silly that is? Sure I'd like a husband of my own someday... but I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," said Little Johnny , "I'll use a rubber!"