An Houstonian, an Islander, and a Cajun are in a bar. They all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Houstonian says, "Yup, this is a nice bar, but in Houston, there's a better one. At Rock Neutneys, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and Rockney himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree it sounds like a nice place.
Then the Islander says, "Yeah, that's nice, but in Galveston, there's this place. At Big Daddy's, you buy a drink, Big Daddy buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Big Daddy buys you another drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Cajun guy says, "You guys tink dat's great?  In San Leon, where I come from, dey got dis place called Wayno's. At Wayno's, dey buy yo first drink, dey buy yo nex drink, dey buy yo third drink, and then, they take you in back and you gits laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's great! Did that actually happen to you?"
"Naw, not to me personally," replies the Cajun, "but it sho happen to mah wife!"

~

Three women were chatting in a bar, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation, i.e. punishing the Pope, spanking the monkey, slappin' the salami and so on, there weren't any common terms for female masturbation.
"I call it 'jilling off'," said one.
"But that's just a feminization of 'jacking off,'" said the first. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it."
The third woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only one thing I call it."
"What's that?"
"Finishing the job."

~

Ten things most men "know" about sex:
The clitoris is a type of flower.
A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
A G-string is part of a fiddle.
Testicles are found on an Octopus.
KOTEX is a radio station in Dallas.
Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
A Vulva is a Swedish brand of cars.

Bob, a Canadian tourist, comes to Texas and enters a men's club. The female owner sends over a young lady to entertain him. They sit and talk, giggle a bit, and she offers him a table dance. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the owner sends over a more experienced dancer to entertain the gentleman.
They sit and talk, giggle a bit, and she offers him a table dance. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away, obviously disgusted.
The owner is surprised that this ordinary looking man has said something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced dancer, Tisha, will do. Tisha has heard it all before, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the owner sends her over to Bob. They sit and talk, giggle a bit, and she offers him a table dance. He whispers in her ear and she jumps up and screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
The owner is now curious. She just has to find out what this man has said that has made her girls so angry. Being a dancer herself, she decides to find out. So she goes over to Bob. They sit and talk, giggle a bit, and she offers him a table dance. Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Do you accept Canadian money?"

~

I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers. They're going to make a game out of it…

~

LADIES: It's time to go home when...
You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.
You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.
You start crying.
There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really try.
You are standing up in the chair reading the jokes in Nightmoves out loud to everyone.