Heard at Beamers:
An old woman is upset at her husband's funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We'll take care of it, ma'am" and yells back '"Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"

Heard at Waynos:
Six year-old Little Johnny walked into a saloon and said to the barmaid, "Give me a rum and coke."
"You're just a kid," said the barmaid. "Do you want to get me in trouble?"
"Maybe in a couple of years," replied Little Johnny. "Meantime, I'd still like that drink."

Heard at Big Daddys:
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here's that $20 I owe you," he says.

Heard at Bobs Icehouse:
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They connect, end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices her bedroom is packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
After sex, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?".
She replied, "You may select any prize from the bottom self."

Heard at The Crosseyed Seagull:
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Texas soldier can whip ten Talibans."
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out "One Texan can whip a hundred Talibans."
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune, and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The Texan voice calls out again, "One Texan can whip a thousand Talibans."
The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Taliban crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's  two of them."

Heard at Pelicans:
Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy :
I've smoked fatter joints than that.
You know they have surgery to fix that.
Hey, there's a tower in Italy like that.
Wow, and your feet are so big.
Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
This explains your car.
At least this won't take long.
But it still works, right?
Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.

Heard at Splash:
These three underage girls (blonde, brunette and redhead) walk into a bar. A cop walks in and knows they were all underage. As he approached the girls, they haul ass.
They ran out back where there were three trash bags. With the cop coming, they quickly hid in the bags. The officer comes looking and kicks the first bag (where the brunette was) and she says "meow" and the officer says "oh it's just a cat".
Then he kicks the next bag (where the redhead girl was) and she says "woof woof" and the officer says "it's only a dog".
Then he kicks the last bag (where the blonde is hiding) and she says "potatoes potatoes."

Heard at The Ramblin Rose:
A guy spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself, she answered. "Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?" "Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.
"Beersex."

[MORE JOKES]

Heard at Daves Treasure Island:
A cowboy went to a bar wearing his hat and boots and ordered a drink. As he sat there a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy. After a short while he asked her what she was. "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women." A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

Heard at Good Times:
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "But you're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the bartender. "I see your ears work too," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer?" "Certainly," says the bartender, "it's just we don't get many ducks here. What are you doing round here?" "I'm working on a building down the road," explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer and leaves. This goes on for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader comes in the bar and the bartender tells him about the talking duck. "Wow!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me." So the next day, the duck comes in. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a job paying big money!" "Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus" says the bartender. "The circus?" the duck asks. "That's right," replies the bartender. "The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck. "That's right!" says the bartender. The duck looks confused and asks: "What the fuck do they want with a plasterer?"

Heard at Lance's Turtle Club:
When white man found this land, Indians were running it. There were No Taxes, No Debt, Plenty of buffalo, Plenty of beaver, Medicine men worked free, Women did all the work, Men hunted and fished all the time. The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that system!

Heard at Buttheads:
Jimmy meets Bill at the bar for a drink after work. Jimmy really looks down in the dumps.
Bill asks, "Why the long face? Bad day at work?" "Yeah," replies Jimmy. "You know, sometimes I wish I worked for the Pope I stead of my boss." "Why is that," asks Bill.
Jimmy sighs and says, "Cause then I would only have to kiss his ring!"