Heard at Blueberry Hill:
Deep in the backwoods, the Cajun's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's another one coming," Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern... It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor. The Cajun scratched his head with a puzzled look, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's maybe the light that's attractin' 'em?"

Heard at Jackies:
Q: What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
A: Popeye almost killed him!

Heard at Rock Neutneys:
A man was sitting in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?" The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?" "You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left." "Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women." "Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That was your first wish, too!"

Heard at Atlantis:
You need a new lawyer if: Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
Or if the prosecutors are all "hi-fiving' each other when they see who is representing you.

HEARD AT BLONDIES:
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon." The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

HEARD AT PALS CLUB:
Absolutely the best suggestion on what to do with bin Laden so far:
1. Killing him will only create a martyr.
2. Holding him prisoner will inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release. Therefore, I suggest we do neither.
Let the Seals or Special Forces covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital, obtain Al Qaeda's financial network details under truth serum or whatever means necessary, and have surgeons quickly perform a complete (including facial electrolysis) sex change operation. Make sure she is ugly and include a nice wart on the nose. Then we return her, broke, to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the Taliban!

HEARD AT WAYNOS:
A man decides to take the opportunity, while his wife is away, to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat and they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."

HEARD AT EROS 1207:
Sherry, a flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Choker for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' And they will grow on their own." She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. She really loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus, began rubbing her nipples and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Choker by any chance?" Sherry said, "Why yes, I do. How did you know?" The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."

HEARD AT CROWN ROOM:
"I played with my grandfather a lot when I was a kid. He was dead, but my parents had him cremated and put his ashes in my Etch-a-Sketch."

HEARD AT BLUE DOLPHIN:
"Your Honor, my wife is just being ridiculous. Most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry and I was only opening the door for her out of chivalry." "Mr. Smith," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce. I cannot believe chivalry was your motivation while driving 65 mph."

HEARD AT MARIBELLES:
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. "We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever." The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my 'ear,'" he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it," the man replied.