HEARD AT O'SHEAS:
A man is laying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon.
The father says, "Son, If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."

HEARD AT TC SUDS:
Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" "They're mating, Lucy" he replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Lucy asked. "Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs." Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" Daddy replied, "No, honey, both of them are Daddy Longlegs." Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!"

HEARD AT NOAHS ARK CAFE:
A guy was talking with his pastor one Sunday after church. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the pastor.
"Well, I was golfing and hit a drive that looked like it was going to go 300 yards, but it hit a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 25 yards."
"Is that when you cussed?" the pastor asked.
"No preacher," the man answered." Right after that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and ran away!"
"Is THAT when you cussed?" he asked.
"Well, no," the guy said. "You see, as the squirrel was running, a hawk came down, grabbed the squirrel, and flew off!"
"Is THAT when you cussed?" asks the amazed preacher.
"Naw, not yet. As the bird toted the squirrel off, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?"
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two men were silent for a moment. Then the preacher sighed and said, "You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?"

HEARD AT BIG DADDYS:
Yo mama is so ugly, she tried to enter the Ugly Contest and the scouts said no professionals!
Yo mama is so fat, when she got hit by a bus she turned around and said, "Who threw that?"
Yo mama is so fat, after God said, "Let there be light," he said "Hey you, move out of the way."

HEARD AT RAMBLIN ROSE:
The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!" The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

HEARD AT MARIBELLES:
A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in "p..e..n..i..s". His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: ***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

HEARD AT WAYNOS:
Boudreau was stopped by a game-warden Louisiana recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked him, "Do you have
a license to catch those fish?" Boudreau says, "No, sir. These here is my PET fishes."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Oh yeah, Ever night I take these fish down here to the lake and let 'em swim around for a while. Then I just whistle and they jump back into the buckets, and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of bullshit!" the game warden says, " Fish can't do that!"
Boudreau just looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Well sheeit, I'll show you. It really do work like dat."
The game warden was curious now. "O.K. I've GOT to see this!"
So Boudreau poured the fish in the water and stood by and waited. After several minutes, the game warden said, "Well. when are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?" Boudreau asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" says Boudreau.

HEARD AT MIXED NUTS:
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems" Linda told her friend. That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We went to a sex therapist" said Linda. "How did the sex therapy work out? "responded Mary. "Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!" So Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called them into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. "But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"
"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a bag of apples and a box of Cheerios......"HEARD AT KNOTHEADS:
Guy walks into a bar, tells the bartender "Hey Jackass, get me a beer". Bartender gets him a beer. After awhile, guy says "Hey Jackass, get me another beer". Bartender gets it for him. After awhile, guys says again "Hey Jackass, another beer please". He gets it. A guy sitting there asks the bartender "Hey, why do you let him call you that?" Bartender replies: "Heeaw, heeaw, heealways calls me that!"

HEARD AT THE HIGH CARD
Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife: "Some guy in a college called. They said Pabst beer is normal."

HEARD AT TAUCERS
Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting. "My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim figure," she lamented to the woman next to her. "Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that? You'll feel better, too." "You don't understand. He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."

HEARD AT BIZARRE BAZAAR
"This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children. I'll never forget that game of cards...."

HEARD AT TURTLE CLUB
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. - Mark Twain

HEARD AT ATLANTIS:
"It was this week in 1860, the first Pony Express mail was delivered. It took 3 weeks to get the mail across the country, half the mail was lost, and postal workers carried guns. So basically, nothing's changed."

HEARD AT PALS:
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow, and - placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder - leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run like hell!"

HEARD AT WAYNOS:
"The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, HE was a genius."

HEARD AT SOMEPLACE ELSE:
YOU DRIVE A PIECE OF SHIT IF:
1. Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags.
2. The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.
3. The rear-view mirror says, "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Shit."
4. You're afraid to turn off the key, ever.
5.You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.
6. When you approach hitchhikers, they put their thumbs down.

HEARD ABOARD FANTASEA:
How are men and parking spaces alike?
A: The good ones are taken, and what's left is handicapped!