A young journalism student at the University of Texas in Galveston was assigned to write a human interest story. He went out to East Texas to do some research. He found an old farmer sitting on his porch, introduced himself, and explained his mission. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you really happy?" After a moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a fine looking gal, got lost. We formed a posse and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can't you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?" The farmer thought for a minute and smiled, "Yep! One time a neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it back home." Again, the young man said, "I can't print that, either. Let's try another approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed, and after a few seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said, "This one time, I got lost..."
thanks & a tip of the Gator's hat to: BAMBOOZE


HEARD AT LAST CONCERT CAFÉ:
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."
HEARD AT THE TURTLE CLUB:
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four Texas Rangers and a dog. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
HEARD AT THE RUNWAY CLUB:
Man to bartender: "I don't know why, but I've always found it difficult to make friends. Know what I mean, Dickhead?"

BUMPER STICKERS:
Boldly going nowhere.
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
Save Your Breath...you'll need it to blow up your date!
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

HEARD AT RENOS:
Two guys who had been life long friends were working together and one friend noticed that the other had been feeling down for a few days. He asked him why. His friend answered, "My wife cut me down to sex once a week." To this his friend replied, "No need to feel so badly, I know some other guys she cut out completely."

HEARD AT PELICANS:
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own entitled Survivor, Texas Style. The contestants will start in Galveston, travel to Houston, Austin, Dallas, San Antonio, then down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, onto El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Waco, and back to Houston. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm a gay vegetarian who supports gun control and voted for Gore" The first one to make it back alive wins!!!

Heard at: Buttheads:
The doctor approached the husband who was in the waiting room while his wife was being examined. The doctor said, "I have good news and bad news." "What's the bad news?" "Your wife has syphilis." The husband exclaimed, "What could possibly be 'good news' with a situation like that?" The doctor replied, "She didn't get it from you."

Heard at Someplace Else:
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The BARTENDER is blond, the BOUNCER is blond and I'm blond with a black belt in karate. The guy sitting next to me is a blond weight lifter," he continues, "Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy goes: "Nah! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it four times!"

Heard at Bizarre Bazaar:
A radio station was running a contest - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Cancun. DJ: "96 FM here, what's your name?" Caller: "Hi, my name's Dave." DJ: "Dave, what's your word?" Caller: "Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced 'go-an'." DJ: "You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Cancun: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?" Caller: "Goan fuck yourself!" The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until: DJ: "96 FM, what's your name?" Caller: "Hi, my name's Jeff." DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?" Caller: "Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'." DJ: "You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Cancun: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?" Caller: "Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!"

Heard at The Whistle Stop:
Q. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to their minds?
A. Because,… A lot of men are stupid, but very few are blind.

Heard at The Runway Club:
Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease If She:
~ insists that all Hindus are sacred.
~ thought Bruno would beat Mike Tyson.
~ takes up painting and cuts off one ear.
~ Refuses to let you milk her, saying: "Not on the first date."
~ secretly plans to burn down Chicago.
~ demands to be branded with the 'Golden Arches Logo'.
~ appears on Jerry Springer, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
~ wears A-1 sauce as cologne.
~ quits the family dairy and applies for a job at Burger King.

Heard at Gizmos:
His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her look years longer. She sat in front of the mirror for hours applying the "miracle" products. Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, "Hon, honestly now, what age would you say I am?" He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, hon, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, mmmm, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five." "Oh, you're so sweet!" "Well, hang on, I'm not done adding it up yet."

Heard at The Turtle Club:
A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her. The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Heard at O'Sheas Pub:
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "DAMN! That's the ugliest fuckin' baby I've EVER seen!" In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was pissed and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers." "You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey!"

Heard at Yerc Offs:
A guy meets a girl in a bar. "What's your name?" he asks. "Carmen," she says. "I changed it from 'Mary Lou' to 'Carmen', because I love cars and men." "I see," he says. "What's your name?" she asks. He thought for a second, and said, "Beersex".

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed one evening, and he asks, "Honey, do you want to have sex tonight?" "No," she replies. "Is that your final answer?" "Yes, that's my final answer!" she insists. The husband thinks carefully for a moment, then asks, "May I phone a friend?"

HEARD AT STRAND ST SALOON:
A chick walks into the human resources department of Hillmans Seafood and hands in her application. The boss begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job she has ever held. "Well," the boss says, "according to this, you've been fired from every job you ever had!" The girl answers, "Yeah, well at least I'm not a quitter!"

HEARD AT ROCK NEUTNEYS:
In an interview, Pamela Anderson said that if she were Hillary, she would leave ex-President Clinton. In response, Clinton said, "If Pamela Anderson were Hillary, none of this would have happened in the first place."

HEARD AT SMOKIN MUSIC:
What do the men in a singles bar have in common? They're all married.

ADVICE ABOUT PREGNANCY....
Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers or briefs?
A. You'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.
Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

HEARD AT RENOS:
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

HEARD AT SPLASH:
WARNING - If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your tits, DO NOT show him your tits. This is a scam. He is only trying to see your tits.