HEARD AT THE WHISTLE STOP:
"I asked my wife, 'On a scale of one to ten, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'"

HEARD AT BAYOU CLUB:
Four Cajuns were sitting around a campfire near the Atchafalaya Basin. They were "philosophizing" on what was the fastest thing in the world. Boudreaux said, "I tink de fassest ting in the werld is a 'tought', because before you ken tink of it it's already tought." Thibodeaux said, "No, the fassest ting in the werld is a 'blink' because before you ken tink about it you dun blunk already." Alfonse said, "No, the fassest ting in the werld is lectricity because when you turn dat light switch on de lectricity travels
fass-fass and the lights come on before you know it." T-Boy said, "Ya'll all wrongg, the fassest ting in the werld is diarrhea." Everyone asked, "Diarrhea?" T-Boy said, "Yea, lass night before I could tink, blink, or turn on de lights, I don shit ma pants."

HEARD AT RAMBLIN ROSE
The shy young man and his shapely date were parked under a romantic moon. Placing his hand on her thigh, he whispered, "I love you." With a deep sigh, the girl replied, "A little higher." "I love you," came the higher-pitched reply.

HEARD AT RADIO CITY
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, he walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed. "That's funny," he muttered, "You even sound exactly like her."

HEARD AT KEMAH F.O.E.
Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up: a male and a female. The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act. At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer. The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips. The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies before Gentleman." So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger. The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born. The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air,... then suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage. Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act,… Think you can do better than that?" The man spit out his cigar, licked his lips and said, "No problem, just get that tiger out of the cage!"

HEARD AT BAMBOOZE
The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Whatever could have happened?" he thinks, "Who died?" "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asks. "Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again "I found that the cat had eaten it!" "Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. I'll get you a new cat tomorrow."

HEARD AT CROSSEYED SEAGULL
A man came home early from work, and found his young son crying. He asked, "What's wrong?" The son said, "The Bogeyman is in Mom's closet." He told his son there was no such thing as a Bogeyman, and told him they would go look and he would see. He went upstairs, and found his wife in bed. He opened the closet door, and found a naked man. He said, "What's wrong with you? Don't you have anything better to do than run around scaring little kids?"

HEARD AT TURTLE CLUB
A guy goes to the optometrist. The doctor tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating!" "Why Doc," he asked, "am I going blind?" "No," the doctor explained, "but you're upsetting the other patients!"

HEARD AT THE CROSSEYED SEAGULL:
A drunk man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While he waits for the bartender to mix his cocktail, he notices a woman alone at the end of the bar. When his drink comes, he says, "Hey bartender. Give that douche bag at the end of the bar a drink for me." The bartender tells the drunk to keep his voice down, but the drunk is belligerent. "Give that douche bag at a drink, dammit!" he shouts. The bartender becomes angry. "Sir, I will not permit you to sit here and call the lady names." The drunk persists. "Dammit, bartender, bring me my drink and give that douche bag a drink, too!" Attempting to quell the growing disturbance, the bartender approaches the woman and apologizes for the drunk. "The gentleman insists upon buying you a drink, ma'am. What can I get for you?" The woman replies, "Oh,... I'll have a vinegar and water, please!"

HEARD AT WAYNOS:
A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He has the biggest feet she's ever seen. The woman asks the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?" The woman figures why not and spends the night with him. The next day she hands the cowboy a $100 bill. Blushing he says, "I'm flattered, nobody has ever paid me for my services before." The woman says, "Well don't be. Take this money and buy you some boots that fit!"

HEARD AT THE BAYOU CLUB:
A mother took her little boy to a psychiatrist and asked, "Can a boy ten years-old marry a beautiful star like Heather Locklear?" The psychiatrist said, "Of course not, it's impossible." The mother said to the kid, "See, I told you. Now go and get a divorce."

HEARD AT THE CROWN ROOM:
The divorce court judge said: "Mr. Smith, I have decided to give your wife $275 a week." And Mr Smith said: "That`s very fair, your honor. And every now and then, I'll try to kick in a few bucks, too!"

HEARD AT DIGGERS:
A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As it made its appearance it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Ma'am, have you ever slept with a black man?" She said, "Well, yes, but only once." "Once is all it takes" he replied. Then the torso appeared and it was yellow. "Ma'am, have you ever slept with an oriental man?" the doctor asked. "Well, yes" she said, "but only once." "Once is all it takes," he said. When the legs appeared they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian and she said, "only once" and he replied that that was all it took. Then the doctor held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. "Oh, thank God," she exclaimed "at least it doesn't bark!"

HEARD AT SOMEPLACE ELSE:
A young boy comes home and asks his father to explain the difference between "theoretically" and "realistically." The father says "Well, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars." The boy asks, and his mother says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would do it." The boy, still confused, asks his father again. The father tells him, "Now go ask your older sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars." The boy asks and his sister says, "Of course I would!" The boy comes back to his father and says "I think I understand." So the father asks him to explain it. The boy says "Well... theoretically, we're sitting on 2 million dollars, but realistically, we're just living with a couple of whores."

HEARD AT O'SHEA'S:
Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too. "A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry," she told him. "Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you going to marry?"

HEARD AT JACKIES:
On the first day of third grade, Kim's teacher asked the students to count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But Kim did extremely well; she made it to 100 with only three mistakes. At home, she told her mom how well she had done. Mom told her, "That's because you are a cajun." The next day the teacher asked students to recite the alphabet. Kim outdid them again. She made it all the way through, missing only the letter "m". That evening she told her mom, and her mother explained, "that's because you are a cajun". The next day, after P.E. class, the girls were taking showers. Kim noticed that, compared to the other girls, she seemed quite "busty". This confused her. That night, she asked her mother, "Mom, they all have little tiny ones, but mine are a lot bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm a cajun?" "No, honey," explained mom, "That's because you're 20 years old."

A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!" The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.
If only men would listen….
thanks & a tip of the Gator's hat to: MARIBELLES

Airplane flying, develops engine trouble. Crew does everything to retain altitude. Toss extra baggage, jettison fuel, etc. Navigator claims, "If we could lose another 500 pounds, we'll make it". Captain asks for volunteers to jump from plane, the ultimate humanitarian gesture. 4 guys go to the back of the plane: an Englishman, a Mexican, a Frenchman, and a Texan. The captain says, "Only 3 of you have to go." Englishman pushes all aside and exclaims, "Long live the Queen," and jumps to a certain death. Not to be outdone, the Frenchman shouts, "Vive la France," and jumps. Seeing this, the Texan yells, "Remember the Alamo," and tosses the Mexican out!
thanks & a tip of the Gator's hat to: FULL THROTTLE

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the owner and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police officers, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Gun? What gun ?? There's no gun in it. (Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.)
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told there's a body in it. Driver: A what?? (Trunk is opened; no body.) Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, And I'll bet he told you I was speeding too !!!
thanks & a tip of the Gator's hat to: SLOPPYS

HOW TO DRIVE:
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a lane-change is considered going with the flow.
4. The goal of every driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
5. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will inevitably result in you being rear ended.
6. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are not enforceable during rush hour.
7. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller chance you have of getting hit.
thanks & a tip of the Gator's hat to: NEXT LEVEL