HEARD AT GULF GREYHOUND:
Officer: "Sir, you were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your mouth you dumb-ass!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."

HEARD AT PRECISION TINT:
A young family lived next to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to build a house. The six-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity. She hung around and eventually the construction workers adopted her as a kind of mascot. They gave her little jobs to do and at the end of the week presented her with a payroll check for $5. She took this over to the bank, where the teller was impressed, and asked the little girl how she had made her money. "I've been building a house this week," she replied proudly. "Wow, that's really cool!" said the teller. "And will you be building a house next week, too?" "Yes," answered the little girl. "If we ever get the fucking bricks."

HEARD AT SILKYS:
9 out of 10 doctors say the 10th doctor should mellow out.

HEARD AT BIG DADDYS:
The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here at Gator Press. The boss pressed on, "Who told you you could come and go as you please around here ?" The secretary simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, ...."My lawyer."

Heard at Strand Street Saloon:
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself off the Fred Hartman Bridge. When she went down there, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a storage hold. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a coke, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Hawaii, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady... This is the Bolivar Ferry!"

Heard at Splash 2:
A large gorilla was roaming through the jungle. He was extremely horny. Peering through the brush he saw a big old male lion
sleeping on a knoll. Rushing forward he seized the lion, and before the lion could respond the gorilla had his way with him.
He pushed the lion away and went off running and laughing through the forest. Coming to his senses the lion took off after the gorilla. The gorilla spots a tent with nobody around, jumps inside, pulls on a pair of pants, a shirt, a hat, and grabs a newspaper and begins reading. All of a sudden the lion bursts into the tent, stops short and roars, "Have you seen a big hairy gorilla around here?" "You mean the one who just nailed you?" responds the gorilla. The dumbfounded lion says, "You mean it's in the papers already?"

Heard at Renos:
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. When the National Anthem began, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" The patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, the doctor yelled, "Down nuts!" so the patients all sat back down in their seats. During the game, one of the players hit a home run. The doctor yelled, "Cheer nuts!" so the patients all broke out into applause and cheers.
Considering things were going very well, the doctor decided to leave his patients momentarily and get some munchies and a beer. When the returned to his seat, there was a riot in progress. "What happened?" he asked a fellow patron sitting next to his group. The fellow replies, "Well... everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled "Peanuts! Peanuts!"

Heard at Jackies:
A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out. The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again. So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!" The guy there says "OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin."
"What's a penguin?"
"You'll see."
So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin." Soon, a whore comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away. Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting "WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!"

Heard at Hi Times:
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

Heard at Murphy's On Main:
One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door. However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can, "This is for ladies!" she screamed. The drunk waved his dick at her and said "So is this!"

What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund? The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.

Two men were at a bar and one said, " Hey, I had my IQ checked and it was 175, The other responded " That's a coincidence so is mine, what do you do for a living?" " I'm a physicist." was the reply. Again came "that's a coincidence so am I." This was overheard at a nearby table and these two compared IQ's at 160 and were surprised that they were both brain surgeons. At another nearby table one man despondently said to the other "Did you hear that? I had my IQ checked and it was only 52." The other said, rather enthusiastically, " That's a coincidence. So is mine. What instrument do you play????"
Two guys are standing on the side of the road. One's a musician and the other one doesn't have any money either.

Johnny says to his mom: "I want to be a drummer when I grow up." Mom: "But Johnny, you can't do both."

An accordion player in his middle 40's was driving home around 10:00 pm from a Bar. When he left, he placed his instrument in the back window of his car so he could watch it while he drove to make sure it was OK. On his way, he decided to stop at another bar and get a drink to make up for the boring night. He stopped, locked his car, and then went inside. After he had had about 3 drinks, he suddenly realized where he put the accordion! He should have remembered what happened last time he left it in his back window! So he ran outside and looked at his car. The back window was broken in, and glass was all over the place. And, sure enough, there were two more accordions!!!

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.

A blonde, a redhead, & a brunette were escaping from jail when they heard a guard coming. They all went up separate trees to try to escape. The guard went to the first tree and yelled "Hey redhead, I know you are up there." The redhead replied "tweet, tweet." "Oh-it is just a bird." Then the guard went to the second tree and yelled "Hey brunette, I know that you are up there." The brunette made the sound of a owl. "Oh-it is only an owl" Then the guard reached the third tree and called out "Hey blondie, I know that you are up there" In response the blonde cried out "MOO"

Q. What do you call a dead blonde in the closet?
A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.

Q. Why did the blonde throw bread crumbs down the toilet?
A. To feed the toilet duck!

A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"

Three women are in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy results. The Brunette says, "If I'm pregnant it will be a girl because I was on bottom." The red head replies," If I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top." The Blonde thinks a minute and says, "Then I'm gonna have puppies !"

A blonde returned home from work and was shocked to find her house burglarized. She called the police. The dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out. She sat down on the steps and began moaning. "What's the matter?" asked the officer. The blonde replied, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman!"