HEARD AT ROCK NEUTNEYS:
Captain Morgan had been away offshore for a few weeks and wanted
to spend some time alone with his wife, LaDonna - but she
happened to be babysitting the grandson. No matter what he
tried, the Captain couldn't get the little boy to stay outside.
He finally resorted to bribery. The Captain instructed the boy
to sit on the corner and watch for men in red hats. "For every
man in a red hat you see, I'll give you a dollar" he said. The
Captain then returned to the house to enjoy some privacy with
his wife.
After a short while the boy ran into the house and started
banging on the bedroom door. "Hey Granpa," he yelled, "if you
think you're getting screwed in there, you should look out the
window. There's a Shriner's convention going past!"

Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.

Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A1 Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers.
A2 Their mothers told them not with there mouths full.

Q: What do a blonde and a bowling ball have in common?
A: You can pick them up, throw them in the gutter and they still come back to you

Q: Why did it take the blonde three tries to get pregnant?
A: She blew the first two

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot

Q: What is the difference between a pregnant blonde and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?

Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymph whose dad owns a bar.

Q: What do blonde virgins eat?
A: Baby food.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank?
A: She tied up the safe and blew the guard.

How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
Heard at: The Turtle Club

NEW MOTTO FOR FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-10 and visit one of the other 56 states.
Heard at: The Blue Dolphin

So, how do you tell if your throwing a successful, kick-ass, party? Just take this quick and simple quiz to find out!
LEVEL ONE: Your guests are sitting around chatting, nibbling the party food, sipping their drinks. They are admiring your Christmas tree ornaments and stand around the piano singing carols.
LEVEL TWO: Your guests are talking loudly, occasionally to one another. They are wolfing down the food, gulping their drinks, rearranging your Christmas ornaments and sitting on the piano singing "Family Tradition."
LEVEL THREE: Your guests are holding conversations with inanimate objects, gulping other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas ornaments and dancing around the piano shouting the words to "Play That Funky Music".
LEVEL FOUR: Your guests, food smeared across their naked bodies, are capering around the burning Christmas tree in some unholy ritual. The piano is missing. Unless you rent your home, or own heavy firearms, you generally don't want your parties operating above Level Three. The true test of party success, however, is whether or not the police arrive. If they do arrive, your job as host is to see that they don't arrest anyone. If they are intent on arresting someone, your job is to see that it isn't you. Here is an example of how to successfully handle this situation.
Police: "We've come in response to the complaints." You: "Complaints? It isn't about the drugs, is it?" Police: "No, sir, not drugs."
You: "The guns, then? They're complaining about the guns?" Police: "No, sir. It's about the noise." You: "Oh, that's all right then. 'Cause there sure aren't any guns or drugs here, heh heh." [An explosion sounds somewhere behind you] You: "Or fireworks either! The neighbors complained, did they?"
Police: "No, sir. The neighbors all fled inland hours ago. The recent complaints have come from Lake Charles."
[At this point a Volkswagen Bug, painted in various arcane symbols, roars out of the living room, down the hall past you and the policemen, out into the front yard and into the nearest tree. Eight naked bodies tumble out, moaning.]
You: "There, you see? It's winding down already…." Heard at: Noahs Ark Cafe

Bubster was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Smitty, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bubster looked at Smitty and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."
Smitty hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago." Heard at: Diggers Ice House
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination," said the young girl. "Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off." "No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here." "Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
Heard at: Big Daddys

Bought my girlfriend a mood ring the other day. When she's in a good mood it turns green. When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead.
Heard at: The Ramblin Rose

"While it may be true that the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach, sometimes it can be much more satisfying hacking your way through the rib cage."
Heard at: Pelicans

The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family. "We've been trying for months now, Doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.
"I'm sure we'll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her. "If you'll just take off your underpants and get up on the examining table." "Well, all right, Doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby."
Heard at: 4 GET BAR

No Halloween or Thanksgiving for Federal workers in Washington DC next year. Why? The Witch is going to New York, and she's taking the turkey with her!
Heard at: TAUCERS

HEARD AT BOBS ICE HOUSE
The automobile companies tested black boxes in cars (like they
have in planes) to record people's last words as they crashed
into things and died. In Texas, the last words were mostly, "Oh
shit!" ...Kind of what you would expect.
But in Louisiana, it was a different story. Most of them said
right before they died, "Hold my beer. Watch this!"

HEARD AT STRAND STREET SALOON
There once was a guy with a 25 inch penis. Of course he was
having problems because it was simply too long. So he goes to a
doctor and asks him if there is anything he can do. The doctor
says, "Well, there is a medical procedure for that but it'll
cost you about $10,000." The guy replies, "But I don't have that
kind of money!" So the doctor says, "Well, there is an old myth
that says if you go down to the bayou and ask a certain frog to
marry you, your penis will shrink five inches every time it says
no." Since the guy cannot possibly afford the operation, he
heads down to the bayou. After spending about half an hour
asking every frog in sight if it would marry him, he asks this
one frog sitting on a rock, "Frog, will you marry me?" Suddenly
the frog opens it's mouth and says, "No." The guy feels
something move in his pants and when he looks down, his penis is
20 inches! 20 inches is still too big so once again the guy
asks, "Frog, will you marry me?" Again the frog says, "No."
The guy looks down and his dick is now 15 inches. One more time
and everything will be perfect the guy thinks. So one last time,
he asks the frog if it will marry him. The frog replies, "How
many times do I have to tell you? No, no, no!"