HEARD AT ROCK NEUTNEYS
Scott gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Cindy. "I've got a
problem," says Cindy. "What's the matter?" asks Scott. "Well,
I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the
pieces fit together and I can't find any edges." "What's the
picture of?" asks Scott. "It's of a big tiger," replies
Cindy. "All right," says Scott, "I'll come over and look." So he
goes over to Cindy's house and she takes him into the kitchen
and shows him the jigsaw spread out on the kitchen table. Scott
looks at the jigsaw and then turns to her and says, "Honey - put
the frosted flakes back in the box!"

HEARD AT MURPHYS
First symptom of AIDS: A severe pounding in your ass!

HEARD AT TC SUDS
INVENTED BY BLONDES:
1) The water-proof towel
2) Solar powered flashlight
3) Pedal-powered wheel chair
4) A book on how to read
5) Inflatable dart board
6) A dictionary index
7) Ejector seat in a helicopter
8) Powdered water
9) Crotchless condoms

HEARD AT PELICANS:
A guy took blonde Melissa out on a date one night. Eventually,
they ended up parked at the Dike where they started making out.
After things started to progress, the guy thought he might get
lucky. After a few more minutes of fooling around, he asked
her, "Do you want to get into the back seat?"
"NO!" she answered. Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet.
Now he has her shirt and skirt off and the windows are steamed.
Things are getting really hot, so he asks again, "Want to get in
the back seat?"
"NO!" she answers again. Now he has her bra off, they're both
very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he
thinks, she HAS to want it now. "Do you want to get into the
back seat NOW?" he asks again. "NO!" she answers yet again.
Frustrated, he asks, "Well, why not?"
"Because, I want to stay up here with you!!!"

HEARD AT BIG DADDYS:
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They
were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a
wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched
for days and couldn't find her, So the captain sent the old man
back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon
as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old
man got a fax from the boat. It read: Sir, sorry to inform you,
we found your wife dead at the bottom of the Gulf. We hauled her
up, and attached to her butt was an oyster and inside it was a
pearl worth $50,000.. please advise. The old man faxed
back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

HEARD AT WAYNOS:
What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye almost killed him!

HEARD AT MURPHYS ON MAIN:
How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat?
By sitting down before the last guy gets up!

HEARD AT RAMBLIN ROSE:
There are three truths in life:
1. Jews don't recognize Jesus as Messiah....
2. Protestants don't recognize the Pope as leader of the
Christian faith.....
3. Baptists don't recognize each other at the liquor store.

HEARD AT SPLASH 2:
A hard-working Texas ranch hand stomped into a bar one hot
afternoon, and, as he ordered a beer, he wiped his sweating
forehead and said "I'm so thirsty I could lick a cows balls!" A
gay fellow sitting at the bar heard this and answered: "Moo moo,
buckaroo!"

HEARD AT BOBS ICE HOUSE:
Our story begins at the recent Olympics, specifically the
wrestling event. It was narrowed down to the Russian or the
American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the
American wrestler's trainer came to him
and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this
Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold
he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If
he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nods in agreement. Now, to
the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times
looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward,
grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried
his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. Suddenly there was a scream,
a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see
the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud,
and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning
the match. The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American
wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that
hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler
answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that
hold, but at the last moment, I opened my
eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I
thought, I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of
strength I stretched out my neck and bit into those babies just
as hard as I possibly could. You know coach, you'd be amazed how
strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

HEARD AT FANTASY SOUTH:
Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A: His hand caught fire.

HEARD AT TC SUDS:
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent which is
being renovated, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior
is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to
lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in
the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide that no harm
can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the
door, and a man enters.
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"

A couple of little girls were playing on the playground at
kindergarten recently. One suggested that they play house. She
said, "I'll be the wife and you can be the ex-wife."

Hilary went to a pet shop and found a beautiful parrot. "Does
this parrot talk?" she asked. "Yes, he does," the manager told
her. "But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?"
she asked. "Ma'am," the manager told her, "Not everyone would
this parrot. He spent years in a whorehouse, and his language is
terrible."
"Well, I want him," she said. "Suit yourself," the manager
shrugged. When she got the parrot back to the White House, she
uncovered his cage and admired the bird. The parrot tilted his
head to one side and said, "New house, new madam." Hillary
laughed. Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the
bird. "new madam, new whores," the parrot observed. At first
they were offended, but when Hilary explained the bird's
history, they laughed too. A few minutes later, the President
entered the living quarters. The parrot looked up from his
feeder and said, "New Madam, new whores, same old customers. Hi,
Bill."

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus and says, "This is a
talented octopus. He can play any instrument. I'll give five
hundred bucks to anybody who has an instrument he can't play." A
guy walks up with a guitar, the octopus starts playing like Jimi
Hendrix. Another guy walks up with a trumpet, and the octopus
plays it better than Dizzy Gillespie. A third guy walks up with
bagpipes. He sits it down, the octopus fumbles with it for a
minute, and then he sets it down with a confused look. The guy
says, "Hah! You can't play it?" The octopus says, "Play it? As
soon as I get its pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it."

3 Things you would NEVER hear a Cajun say, no matter HOW drunk
he is:
1. Oh I just couldn't, hell, she's only sixteen.
2. That fish ain't good for eating.
3. Checkmate.