A drunk man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time
at the only woman there, he walked over to her, placed his hand
up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped
him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry.
I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you
drunken, worthless, stupid asshole!" she screamed. "That's
funny," he muttered, "You even sound exactly like her."

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went
down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated
by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some
cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his
amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd. The man, very
excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He
rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain,
she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the
blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until
I tell you about this." "Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And
take that sex maniac with you!"

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife
in bed with another man. "Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's
not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what
if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with
your wife?" The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd
break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

On the first night of their honeymoon, the couple washes up and
starts to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start
exploring each other's bodies.
The bride discovers her husband's penis. "Oh my", she
says, "What's that?" "Well, darlin'", he says, "That's ma rope."
She slides her hands further down and gasps. "Oh my goodness.
What's them?" she asks.
"Honey, them's my knots", he answers.
The couple begins to make love, and after awhile the bride
says, "Stop a minute."
Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey?
Am I hurting you?"
"No", the bride replies. "Just undo them damn knots. I need a
little more rope!"

HEARD AT WAYNOS:
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his
crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the
crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First
Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved
the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the
crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some
casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate
vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but
the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
Once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew
repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties
occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck
that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign
looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your
red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a
look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in
battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men
will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence
marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next
morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10
of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became
silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual
command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown
pants!"

HEARD AT PELICANS
An 80-year-old man tells his doctor, "I've never been better.
I've got a 21-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child! What
do you think about that?" The doctor replies, "Let me tell you
a story. I know a guy who was walking through the woods, and a
grizzly bear suddenly jumped out in front of him. With no time
to think, he pointed his finger at the bear, and bam! the bear
drops dead." "That's impossible!" says the old man. "Someone
else must have shot that bear." "Exactly," replies the doctor.

HEARD AT THE CROWN ROOM :
Q: Why did the blonde have lip stick on her steering wheel?
A: She was trying to blow the horn.
Q: Why does a blonde wear panties?
A: To keep her ankles warm.
Q: How do you tell when a blonde orgasms?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, "Next".
A4: The next person in line taps you on the shoulder.

HEARD AT BIG MIKES:
A pretty girl goes up to the bar in a local bar. She waves to
the male bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives,
she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to
hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard
which is full and bushy. "Are you the owner?" she asks, softly
stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he
replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she
asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his
hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly
aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you
to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple
of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them
gently. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or
hand soap in the ladies room."

HEARD AT STRAND ST. SALOON:
A confused nine year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or
female?" After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "God
is both male and female." This confuses the little boy, so he
asks, "Is God black or white?" She responds along the same
line, "God is both black and white." This further confuses the
boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" The mother becomes
concerned, but answers none the less, "Honey, God is both gay
and straight." At this the boy's face lights up with
understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Is God Michael
Jackson?"

HEARD AT BOBS ICE HOUSE:
One day in the great forest a magic frog was walking down to a
water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen
another animal in his life. By chance today a bear was chasing
after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two
to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I
have ever seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you
go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he
was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me,
to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash
helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the
stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the
bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish all the bears in
the next forest were female too." Rabbit asked for a Harley and
immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was
shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things. For
the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish
that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female." Poof!
It was done. It was the rabbit's turn again. The rabbit grinned,
gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay..."

HEARD AT THE GOLD CLUB:
12 good reasons to allow drinking at work:
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. Workers tell management what they really think, not what they
want to hear.
6. It helps save on heating in the winter.
7. It encourages carpooling.
8. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you
don't care.. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to
work.
10. It makes fellow employees look better.
11. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are
wasted.
12. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.