HEARD AT MIXED NUTS:
A professor at Texas A&M is giving a lecture on the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many
people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raised their
hands.
"Well that's a good start. Do any of you think you've ever seen
a ghost?"
About 40 raised their hands. "That's really good. I'm glad you
take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
15 students raised their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raised their hands.
"OK, let me ask one more question. Have any of you ever made
love to a ghost?"
One student way in the back raised his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a
step back and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this
lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Aggie student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins
making his way up to the podium. As he ambles slowly toward the
podium, the professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to
have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? Dang! From way back there I
thought you said "goats."

HEARD AT TONYS BARBECUE:
Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO
1. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
2. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when
you enter the trailer park."
3. Tongue depressors say "Popsicle".
4. Your pills come in different colors with little "M"s on them.
5. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.

HEARD AT LEGENDS BAR & GRILL:
A lawyer walked into his client's cell on death row. To the
client, who was awaiting death by electrocution that very night,
he said, "I have some good news and some bad news about my
efforts on your behalf. Which would you like first?"
"The bad news."
"The bad news is I couldn't get your execution stayed. You are
going to fry tonight."
"Holy shit! What's the good news?"
"The good news is I got your voltage reduced!"

HEARD AT TAUCERS:
"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his
psychiatrist.
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many
people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I
have a dog that we are very attached to."
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel ummm,…
*physically* attracted to my horse!"
"Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?"
"Female, of course!" the man replied. "What do you think I
am,... GAY???"

HEARD AT ZEBRAS CABARET:
More Of Gator's Pickup Lines:
You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
Screw me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?

HEARD AT TEXAS SUGARS:
This dude went to Galveston Beach looking for girls, and after
strolling around for some time, he wasn't even getting a glance
from any of them. He began to feel kind of discouraged, and he
noticed that they were flirting with the lifeguard. He walked up
to the lifeguard and asked him how he was able to attract so
many girls. The lifeguard said that the secret was to put a
Polish sausage inside of his trunks. So the guy went to Krogers
and came back with a big Polish sausage in his trunks. This time
the girls were giving him disgusted looks and were turning away
from him. He went back to the lifeguard and asked why it didn't
work. The lifeguard said, "Try putting the sausage in FRONT next
time!".

HEARD AT EROS:
Pickup Lines That Backfired
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't
know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No, thank you." Man: "Don't thank
me, thank God because somebody asked you."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female
impersonator."

HEARD AT SHOWGIRLS:
Thibodeaux & Fontenot were fishing, Fontenot fell in the water.
Thibodeaux searched till dark with no luck. Fontenot was
presumed drowned. Thibodeaux went to see Mrs. Fontenot that
night and told her what happened.
Three days later, Thibodeaux rushed to Mrs. Fontenot's house,
saying "We foun' yo husban Miz Fontenot! I got some good news an
I got some bad news!" Mrs. Fontenot replied, "Well Thibodeaux,
tell me the bad news first."
"Oh, he's dead Miz Fontenot, he shorely dead!" Thibodeaux tells
her. She says, "Well don't just stan' there Thibodeaux, what's
the good news?"
"Well," says Thibodeaux, grinning. "When we fine your husband,
they was fourteen of dem big blue crabs on him! So hell, we set
him back out there!"

A teacher stood in front of the class and told them "today we are going to learn multi-syllable words. Does anybody know any multi-syllable words?" Little Johnny raises his hand and when called on he says "mas- tur-ba-tion" The teacher replies "wow johnny that's quite a mouthful" Johnny said "no teacher you're thinking of a blowjob."

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients. However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first...". This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, "... but they probably weren't veterinarians".

Q: Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant? A: Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.

This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please." A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

A Woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor apartment when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "God, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die!" As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in gratitude, he asked, "Do you give head?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed. He dropped her too. The poor woman prayed for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I give head! I screw! I'll do anything and everything you sexually desire!!" she screamed in panic. The man replied, "Slut," and dropped her...

Q: Did you hear about the new generic form of Viagra? A: It's called: "mycoxafloppin".

My name is Sgt. Friday. I work on Tuesday. Tuesday is my secretary. One night we went to a party. On our way there, we got a flat tire. I jacked, she pumped; I jacked, she pumped; Then she got out of the car to fix the tire. When we got to the party, we all felt merry. Mary got mad and left. We all jumped for joy. Joy got mad and left too. Then a lady jumped out of the party cake. We all had a piece. The cake wasn't bad either. Then I dropped my keys under the couch. I felt, she felt; I felt, she felt; Then I looked under the couch for my keys. Then I took her home and we sat on the porch. Someone threw a rock from a car and hit her on the tit. Broke three of my fingers. I was going to kiss her good night but she closed her legs and broke my glasses. Then her dad came out and told me to beat it. So I did. Then I left.

BEDROOM FAUX PAS:
>Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
>Got any penicillin?
>I thought you had the handcuff keys!
>I think you have it on backwards.
>Did I tell you my Aunt died in this bed?
>It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
>I'm only doing this for the pay raise.
>This would be more fun with a few more people..
>You're almost as good as my ex!
>Do you smell something burning?
>Perhaps you're just out of practice.
>What tampon? >I have a confession...
>I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
>You'll still vote for me, won't you?
>Oprah had a show about men like you!
>Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
>Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...