HEARD AT JACKIES:
A State Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that
because he had been wearing his seatbelt, he had just won $5,000
dollars in the statewide safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled the woman in the passenger
seat. "He's a real jerk when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who took one look at the
cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice
said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"

HEARD AT BIG MIKES:
Why are people who "need no introduction" always introduced?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't
drink and drive?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is
prohibited there?

HEARD AT RENOS: The Houston Police, CIA, and FBI were all trying
to prove that they were the best at apprehending criminals. The
President decided to give them a test. He released a rabbit in
the woods and each of them had to catch it. The CIA went in.
They placed animal informants all in the trees. They questioned
all plant and mineral witnesses. After 3 months they concluded
that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in next. After 2 weeks
with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything,
including the rabbit, and make no apologies. The rabbit had it
coming.
So finally, the HPD goes in. They come out 2 hours later with a
badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay! Okay! I'm a
rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

HEARD AT PELICANS: What is the difference between a blonde and a
mosquito?
A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.

HEARD AT BLUE DOLPHIN: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

HEARD AT SEADUST: A Cajun family is sitting in the living room.
The wife turns to the husband and says "Let's send the kids out
to P-L-A-Y so we can fuck.

HEARD AT WAYNOS: Q: Who has the right of way when four cars
approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying,
"Guns don't kill people. I do."

HEARD AT THE CROWN ROOM: Blonde Sally told her girlfriend, "I
was so worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was
so relieved when he told me that all I needed was blinker fluid!"

HEARD AT SMOKIN MUSIC: Remember, it's not, "How high are you?"
its "Hi, how are you?"

HEARD AT ABSTRACT ART: If life is a waste of time, and time is a
waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the
time of our lives.

HEARD AT NOAHS ARK CAFÉ: The firemen finally get a huge fire
under control, and the Chief has all of his men accounted for,
except Fontenot and Boudreau. After a few minutes' search, the
chief looks down an alley, and there's Boudreau, leaning over a
trash can. His pants are down to his ankles, and Fontenot is
banging away from behind. The Chief says, "What the hell is
going on?" Fontenot says, "Boudreau passed out from smoke
inhalation." The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed
to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!" Fontenot says, "I
did, Chief. That's how it all got started!"

HEARD AT PRECISION TINT: Two drunks sitting at the bar, staring
into their drinks. One gets a curious look on his face and
asks, "Hey, Pete, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it
before?" "Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years!"

HEARD AT BIG DADDYS: Little Johnny rushes home from school. He
invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice
cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that
away, Little Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too
close to supper time. Go outside and play." Little Johnny
whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with." Trying to
placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you
want to play?" "I wanna play 'Mommie and Daddy,'" Little Johnny
replies. Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease
him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?" Little Johnny
says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down as if you're taking
a nap." Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom
goes upstairs. Little Johnny, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down
the hall and opens the utility closet. He puts on his fathers
old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs, he notices a
cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up
and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the
stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother raises her
head and asks, "What do I do now?" In a gruff manner, Little
Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice
cream!"

THINGS TO SAY TO A NAKED MAN:
I've smoked fatter joints than that.
Wow, and your feet are so big.
Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
This explains your car.
At least this won't take long.
But it still works, right?
Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
Is that an optical illusion?

HEARD AT SHORTYS ON THE DIKE: This goes a long way towards
explaining a lot of things: A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is
the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because
the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving
by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same
way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest
brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills
brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest
brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine. And that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers!

HEARD AT WISPERS 2: A woman was walking along the street when
she saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do,
she climbed the ladder. She reached a cloud, upon which was
sitting a bald, toothless, and very ugly man. "Screw me or climb
the ladder to success," he said. No contest, thought the woman,
so she climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a
slightly thinner man, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw
me or else climb the ladder to success," he said. "Well,"
thought the woman, "might as well carry on." On the next cloud
was an even more attractive man who, this time, was quite
handsome. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," he
announced. As she turned him down and went on up the ladder, the
woman thought to herself that this was getting better the
further she went. On the next cloud was an absolute hunk.
Athletic, muscular, handsome, very hot indeed. "Have sex with me
or climb the ladder to success," he flirted. Unable to imagine
what could be waiting, and being an adventurous woman, she
decided to climb again. When she reached the next cloud, there
was a 400-pound ugly man, armpit hair showing, flies buzzing
around his head. "Who are you?" the woman asked. "Hello," said
the ugly fat man said, "my name is Cess!"

HEARD AT FANTASY SOUTH:
Yo Mama Is So Ugly....
When she walks into the bank they turn off the cameras.
When she sits in the sand the cats try to bury her.
She stuck her head out of the car window and got arrested for
mooning.
She had to Trick or Treat by phone.
Police sketch artists are afraid to draw her.

Only In Texas
In a small East Texas town, two gays died of AIDS. The mortician
was afraid of catching the disease from the corpse, so he
refused to prepare the bodies for burial. So, finally, in
desperation, the hospital called on the local taxidermist. He
said, "Sure, bring 'em on over, I'll take care of 'em."
So an ambulance driver carts the bodies off to the taxidermists
shop. When he arrives, the taxidermist asks the ambulance
driver "Do you want them mounted?" to which the driver
replies "Nah, just holding hands......."