Commodities Market
While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a man found
three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 cash. The man
confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she
confessed: "Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful."
"When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind
myself," she explained.
The man admitted that he had not always been faithful either,
and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments
of weakness in his wife.
"I'm curious though," he said, "Where did the thirty dollars
come from?"
His wife replied, "Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel,
I sold out!"

The Money
The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections
from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'.
Feeling the heat from the police, they decide to use a deaf
person for this job ; if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be
able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
The first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He
gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it. The mafia
realizes that their collection is late, and sends some hoods
after the deaf collector.
They find the guy and ask him where the money is. The deaf
collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the
guy to an interpreter.
The mafia guy says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money
is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The deaf
replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The
interpreter translates "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about"
The wiseguy pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf
collector. "NOW ask him where the money is." The interpreter
signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf replies, "The $40,000 is
under the floor in my shed"
The interpreter's eyes light up and he says to the mafia, "He
says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and
doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."

A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the
psychiatrist suggests they start with a Rorschach Test. He holds
up the first picture and asks the man what he sees.
"A man and a woman making love in a park," the man replies.
The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man
what he sees.
"A couple having sex in a boat."
He holds up the third picture.
"A man and a woman screwing at the beach."
This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says
he sees a man and a woman making love in every one of the
pictures he is shown.
At the end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes
and says, "You seem to have a preoccupation with sex."
The man answers, "Hey, you're the one with all the dirty pictures!"

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before long,
she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a
priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've
operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him
it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks the
doctor. "It's worth a try," he says. So the doctor delivers the
baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he
goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to
believe this." "What?" says the priest. "You gave birth to a
child." "But that's impossible!" "I just did the operation,"
insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby." About
fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell
his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son,
I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son
says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest
replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

HEARD AT TC SUDS: A guy goes in to see a psychiatrist. He
says, "Doc, I can't seem to make any friends. Can you help me,
you stupid bastard?"

AT BIG DADDYS: This guy goes to the pharmacist and
says, "Listen, these two girls are coming to my place for the
weekend and they are very hot. Would you have something to get
me going all night? It is going to be a hell of a party."
The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with a dusty
bottle and says, "This stuff is very potent, you drink only one
ounce and I you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me
know!" The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist
is going to work and at the door of the drug store, the same
fellow is there waiting. The pharmacist says, "What are you
doing here so early? How was your weekend?" The guy
replies, "Quick open the store, I need Blue Ice. The pharmacist,
knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you
crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too
sensitive. "The guy says, "It's not for my penis, it's for my
arm." Pharmacist says, "What?? What happened? "Guy
replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion, and
them damn girls never showed up!"

HEARD AT ROCK NEUTNEYS: A couple went into a doctor. They told
the doctor "We're having some trouble with our sex life. Could
you watch and offer some suggestions?" The doctor replied, "I'm
not a sex therapist. You should find someone else." The couple
said, "No, we trust you." After watching them, the doctor
said, "You don't seem to be having any trouble. I wish my sex
life was as good. I can't give you any suggestions." This was
repeated the next week and also the third week. After they had
finished the third week, the doctor said, "You aren't having any
trouble. Is this your idea of kinky sex?" The man replied, "No,
actually the problem is that if we have sex at my house, my wife
will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her husband will
catch us. The motel charges us $50, and we can't afford that.
You only charge $35, and Medicare pays half of that."

HEARD AT NOAHS ARK: Bill and Alice decided that the only way
they could manage a little romance with their ten-year-old son
in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him
to report on the neighborhood activity. The boy began his
commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he
said. "An ambulance just went by." A few moments passed. "Looks
like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding
a new bike and the Coopers are in the bedroom having sex." Mom
and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the father
yelled. "Because Tommy Cooper is standing on the balcony
too!"

MORE PICKUP LINES:
*Did you know that the word 'motel' spelled backwards
means 'letom'?
*The only reason that I would kick you out of bed would be to
have sex with you on the floor.
*What nice legs you've got. I wouldn't mind wearing them as a
belt, or neck tie if you prefer.
*You are so beautiful that I would crawl ten miles on my hands
and knees through broken beer bottles just to sniff the tire
tracks of the laundry truck that takes your panties to the
cleaners.
*I love every bone in your body. Especially mine!
*Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across
the room?
*What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this??
*(Tap your thigh) You just think this is my leg.

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is
bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world
happened to you, buddy?"
The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I
called her a two-bit whore."
"Yeah?" asks the bartender. "What did she do?"
"She hit me with her bag of quarters!"