Three mice are at a bar, having drinks, talking about how tough
they are. The first mouse slams down a shot of booze, says, "Let
me tell you how tough I am. I spot a trap and go for the cheese.
When it snaps, I snatch the bar and bench press it 20 or so
times and before it can close I'm outa there!" and he tosses
down another shot. The second mouse slams down a shot and
says, "You think that's tough? When I find a pile of D-con, I
crush it and snort it like it's cocaine." With that he throws
down another shot and slams his shotglass on the bar. The first
two are staring at the third mouse, waiting to see what he has
to say for himself. He fires down a shot of booze, throws down
his glass and heads for the door. His buddies look at each
other, then at him and say, "Hey, where are YOU going?" The
third mouse says, "I haven't got time for this BS, I need to get
home to screw the cat."

HEARD AT SMOKIN MUSIC:
A little boy wanted $100 very badly; his mother told him to pray
to God for it. He prayed for two weeks but nothing turned up.
Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting
the $100. When the post office received the letter addressed to
God, they opened it and decided to send it to the President. The
President was so impressed, touched and amused that he
instructed his secretary to send the little boy $5. He thought
this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The
little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a
thank-you letter, which read as follows;
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you
had to send it through Washington. As usual, those thieving
bastards deducted $95.

HEARD AT BIG DADDYS:
A woman who had outlived no less than eight husbands finally
passed away. Old friends and enemies alike gathered at her
graveside and consoled or bitched with each other, as is so
often the way. ``Oh well, at least they'll be together
again...'' sighed one of the departed lady's friends.
``Yes,'' replied a childhood friend with a sob, ``but with which
husband?''
``No silly,'' said the snide friend, ``I meant her legs.''

HEARD AT BOBS ICE HOUSE:
"Mommy, do all fairy tales beginning with `Once upon a time'?"
"No, dear. Nowadays, lots of them start with `If I am
elected...'."

HEARD AT THE BOMB:
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you
think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
(1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
(2) Advising the President.
(3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.