The Asphalt
In the afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a
nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake one guy dressed
from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway
gestures him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window. "How can I
help you?"
" I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?"
With a smile in his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the
red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes
thereafter he comes across another guy. This time the guy is
dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to
stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window.
" What can I do for you?"
"I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to
drink?"
Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of
coke and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside
before sunset he decides to go faster and not stop no matter
what. To his frustration our guy decides to stop a last time,
rolls his window down and yells to the guy, " So, what do you want,
you blue bastard of the highway?"
"Drivers License & registration please!"

Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of
December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain
things that have occurred since the beginning of the month!
While filled with illusion I wrote you a letter. I asked for a
bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a
football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole
year! Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best
grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you Santa,
there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better
than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my
neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross
the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for
humanity! WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A STUPID YO-YO, A DUMB
ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU
THINKING, YOU FAT S.O.B., YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE
YEAR, TO COME OUT WITH SOME CRAP LIKE THIS UNDER THE DAMN TREE.
AS IF YOU HADN'T SCREWED ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE
BUTTHEAD ACROSS THE STREET SO MANY DAMN TOYS, THAT HE CAN'T EVEN
WALK INTO HIS HOUSE! PLEASE DON'T LET ME SEE YOU TRYING TO FIT
YOUR FAT ASS DOWN MY CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR! "I'LL MESS YOU UP!"
I'LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND
SCARE THEM THE HELL AWAY, SO YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK YOUR BIG FAT
ASS BACK TO THE NORTH POLE, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU
DIDN'T GET ME THAT BIKE, YOU LOUSY PRICK!! YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA
KISS MY ASS!! NEXT YEAR YOU'LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN REALLY
BE. . . YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING ON ME FAR TOO LONG! SO WATCH YOUR
BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU FAT TURD! Sincerely, Johnny

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As
they lay down for the night, Holmes asked, "Watson, look up into
the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said, "And what does that tell you?"
Watson replied, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are
small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we
will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
"That someone has stolen our tent," answered Holmes.

A seven year old and a four year old are upstairs in their
bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's
about time we start cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in
approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say hell,
and you say ass, OK?"
"OK." the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old
what he wants for breakfast. "Aw, hell mom, I guess I'll have
some Cheerios."
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the
kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She
looked at he 4 year old and asked with a stern voice "And what
do YOU want for breakfast, young man?!"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it
won't be Cheerios!"

A couple with their young son decided to spend a day at a
nude beach. After an hour in the sun, the father went for a
walk while the son played in the water. After a while the boy
came up to his mother and said, "Mommy, I saw ladies with
boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mother said, "The bigger
they are, the dumber they are."
So the boy went back to play. Minutes later the boy
returned and said, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger
than daddy's." The mother said the same thing, "The bigger they
are, the dumber they are.".......So the boy went back to play.
Several minutes later the boy ran back to his mother and
said, "Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I
ever saw, and the more he talked, the dumber he got..."