SHE WAS SO BLONDE...
...She tripped over a cordless phone.
...She got stabbed in a shoot-out.
...She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T
WALK."

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
drivers, a state Trooper sees a car puttering along at 6 MPH. He
thinks to himself, " This driver is just as dangerous as a
speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls him over.
Approaching the car he notices that there are five old ladies - -
two in the front sit and three in the back - - wide eyed and
white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him , "
officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed
limit! What seems to be the problem?"
" Ma'am, "the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you
should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be
a danger to other drivers."
" Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed
limit exactly...Six miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit
proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains
to her that "6" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit
embarrassed , the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out her error.
" But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask ...Is everyone
in this car OK? These woman seem awfully shaken and they haven't
muttered a single peep this whole time, " the officer asks.
" Oh they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off
Highway 146. "

*SOTALLY TOBER*
starkle starkle little twink, who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call, the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep, I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet, but the drunker I stand here the
longer I get
Just give me one more drink to fill my cup
cuz I got all day sober, to Sunday up

A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from
his company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he
realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the
stadium, he's closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About
halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his
binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50
yard line. He decides to taker a chance and make his way
through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty
seat. As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to
him, " Excuse me, is anyone sitting here? " The man says " NO. "
Now , very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe
again inquires of the man next to him, " This is incredible! Who
in their right mind would have seat like this at the Super Bowl
and not use it?! " The man replies, " Well actually, the seat
belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she
passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been
together at since we got married in 1967. " Well, that's really
sad , " said Joe, " but still, you couldn't find anyone to take
the seat? A friend or a close relative?" "Nah," the man said,
"They're all at the funeral."

Have you heard the one about the two sailors who were walking down the beach,
when a big wave came up and sucked them both under the pier?

Heard @ Bob's Ice House: HE (on wife's 40th birthday): Now that you're forty, I ought to trade you in for two twenties! SHE: Ha ha. You're not wired for 220!

Heard @ Big Daddys: Guy takes a girl on a date, asks "What do you want to do?" She answers "I want to be weighed". He takes her to Kroger and weighs her. They go to dinner. Afterwards he asks " "What do you want to do now?" She answers "I want to be weighed". He takes her to the feed store and weighs her again. They go dancing. Afterwards he asks "What do you want to do?" She answers "I want to be weighed". He decides she is weird, and decides to drop her off at her home. As she is getting out he asks "Why did you want to be weighed so much?" She replies "I guess I thought I was in wuv."

Heard @ Zebras: Ham, Bacon, and Eggs are walking down the street. They enter a cafe and ask for a menu. The owner comes out and says: "Sorry fellows, we don't serve breakfast."

Heard At BB Barbecue, Bacliff: 3 single women in Washington were discussing their dates from the night before. The first said: "My date was like Roosevelt." "How so?" "He was in there 4 times, and I thought I would never get him out." The second said: "Well, mine was like Kennedy." "How so?" "He was only in there once, and he didn't finish up, but while he was in there, he did good!" The third said: "Mine was like Clinton." "How so?" "He was in there twice, but he didn't do much good either time!"

Heard At Rock Neutney's: A man and woman are surprised when the woman's husband comes home unexpectedly. "Quick, where's the back door?" he asks. "There is no back door!" she answers. "Where do you want one?" There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly. The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunks replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met a party about 3 months ago." John: "Hmm... Susan? about 3 months ago?" Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport." John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?" Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself." John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."

The Yuppie showered a Yuppette with gifts for over a month. He took her to fancy restaurants and expensive resorts. Finally, he proposed, "Bernie, if you will marry me, I have enough money to provide you with anything your little heart desires." "Sorry John." she replied. "I'm not ready to settle down yet. And besides, you can't buy my love, but if the price is right, I might see my way clear to rent you some." "Would you sleep with me for ten thousand dollars?" asked John "Yes, I will." Paula replied. "Would you do it for one thousand?" he asked. "Well maybe, or maybe I'd do something else for you." she answered with a wink. "How about a blowjob for $20?" responded John. "Hey! What kind of women do you think I am?" Paula snapped, indignantly. "That's already been established, Paula. Now we're just haggling over the price!"